The Cup

Sometimes in life, the cup is half-empty, sometimes it is half-full, sometimes it runneth-over, and sometimes it is bone dry. I’d like to say it is all in a person’s perspective, but I don’t really believe that. I do, however, believe that sometimes, life hands a person a set of circumstances and those circumstances define themselves and all the person can do is deal with the cup they are dealt. That is not always a negative thing, but it is not always positive either. It all depends on what is in the cup and what you do with it.

Tag: life

  • Post #21: 7/4/26

    Post #21: 7/4/26

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full

    In a previous post, I wrote down a goal that I would like to become a writer who is able to support herself with her writing. Retirement from teaching is 9 years away, but I will be many years away from Medicare being accessible to me, so I do need to make financial plans for that future. But, the practical part aside, I enjoy writing. I write for fun, to get emotions out, to process my ideas, to create for my teaching career, and for creativity. It is this last one that has recently become a reminder to me of its importance. While reading Yes Please by Amy Pohler, I found so many ways to connect to the messages that she wove throughout her memoir. But there was one towards the end that really struck a chord with me. Pohler is comparing a career to a bad boyfriend and then she moves on to talking about the importance of creativity versus a career. I am not going to talk too much about my career in this post. I do believe that it is a noble one that is absolutely necessary and is something that I have given 21 years of my life to, so far, but for this post, I am going to focus mostly on what Pohler says about creativity, because some of what she says about a career can absolutely be applied to teaching as much as it can to the entertainment industry.

    Pohler says, “…let me make a distinction between career and creativity. Creativity is connected to your passion, that light inside you that drives you. That joy that comes when you do something that you love. That small voice that tells you, ‘I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.’ That is the juicy stuff that lubricates our lives and helps us to feel less alone in the world.” I am trying to tap more into my creativity. I am trying to use it to make a difference in my life and to increase my happiness quotient. I don’t have a lot of time right now for extended creative projects. My younger children can be a bit of a handful and it is summer, after all. But I have completed phase one of a fairy garden for my 6-year-old. I have planted and am tending a vegetable garden for my family. The daily harvest of zucchini, green beans, peppers, and lettuce has been so beautiful. The tomatoes and yellow squash are close to being ready for harvest, and the cucumber, broccoli, onions, strawberries, and pumpkins are growing and growing, getting ready for a harvest that is sure to come. The creativity I can use in nature makes me feel alive. I love when my hands are in the soil. I love to coax life from seeds and to benefit from the harvest. I love to plant flowers and see the explosion of color as the blooms burst free. This is what I am transforming my backyard into–the garden oasis I have always wanted. It is a creativity of its own.

    My second form of creativity is writing. I took a very long break from writing on this blog because of life circumstances. When I am depressed and overwhelmed, I default to hiding in my internal cave. I push away those things that make me happy. I do not know why I do this, but it is almost as if I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy in the midst of the darkness. But I am going to do my best to not fall back into that cave, that trap of my own creation. I am going to write to “lubricate my life” as Pohler says and to “help us [me] feel less alone in this world.” When I write, even if no one reads my posts, it helps me to feel like my feelings are out in the world and maybe my realizations and crazy aha moments might help someone else as well. If not, that is ok too, but at least it is helping me, and it is giving me a creative outlet for my words.

    I plan to extend my creativity to my career again soon enough, but with the renewed vigor of someone who has had the summer to rest. Teaching is indeed the career of creativity in the long-range planning and in the moment. It is a great mirror and a great collaboration of learning. It is output and reflection all at once. But when summer comes, my creativity gets to focus on me and my needs, and it is glorious.

    Besides talking about creativity, Pohler does make some interesting points about careers that I can’t not mention. She says, “I will say it again. Ambivalence is key. You have to care about the work, but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel but not about how good people think you are or how good people think you look…You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, ‘I made it.’ You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful. Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on the one hand and like a total fraud on the other…Ambivalence can help tame the beast. Remember a career is a bad boyfriend. It likes it when you don’t depend on it. It will reward you every time you don’t act needy. It will chase you if you act like other things (passion, friendship, family, longevity) are more important to you.” I am not fully sure why this resonated with me so much, because I do not fully feel that teaching is a bad boyfriend, but I can say that there are days when I would like to be ambivalent and stop caring, to break up with it and find something new to fill my days. There are days when it feels like teaching takes and takes and takes and doesn’t care for my needs and when I try to find a better work-life balance, teaching reminds me that it is there with mountains of work to complete. Until I retire, my work will never be complete. I will not be able to climb career mountain and say that I have made it. I will be able to say that I did my best, despite sometimes feeling like an absolute fraud with imposter syndrome. I will always care about my work AND the outcome. I can’t not think about the results, so ambivalence, on the whole, cannot be key for me. I will do my best to not worry about what others think about me and to infuse as much of my creativity and passion into my career as I can because that is where the joy is. Teaching is most definitely a “complicated soup of feeling” but with the reminder from “That small voice that tells you, ‘I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.’” I don’t need others to tell me that I am a good teacher, but I do need to remind myself that when things get difficult, I must lean into my creativity and not default to the status quo for survival. This is my goal. Lean into the creative and be ambivalent about the things that don’t matter. The noise from the government, society, and even some people I care about. I must remember to be passionate. To be a light for myself and others as I move forward and do my best to stay out of my cave. It is the best way to fill my cup.

  • Post #20: 7/3/26

    Post #20: 7/3/26

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full

    As I have continued with my reading of books written by women about their own lives, I picked up Mostly Sunny by Janice Dean. I will fully admit that I had no idea who Janice Dean was before I read this book. I saw it at a discount bookstore, and I liked the title. I totally choose books based on titles and covers, all the time. I found her life story about her career very interesting. She began in radio, and since my husband has been in radio since he graduated from high school, I found her beginnings to be kind of cool. She made many references to people in the radio industry who my husband has also told me about. She mentioned radio technology that is currently sitting in my basement in various stages of working order. But, it turns out that the title is in reference to both her outlook on life and her current career as a meteorologist. I would like to think that I too have a mostly sunny attitude when it comes to life, but I am certain that my outlook leans more towards partially cloudy with some sun peeking through from time to time. While I found the book to be interesting overall, it was really the poem that she included in the end that spoke to me. She said that her father had given it to her when she was a child. The poem is called “Desiderata: Words for Life” by Max Ehrmann. It was published in 1927, but in the book, Dean calls it the “Desiderata of Happiness.” Here it is:

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
    As far as possible without surrender
    be on good terms with all persons.
    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even the dull and the ignorant;
    they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
    they are vexations to the spirit.
    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain and bitter;
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

    Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
    it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
    Exercise caution in your business affairs;
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals;
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself.
    Especially, do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.

    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.

    The first step I took when reading this poem was to look up the definition of “Desiderata.” dictionary.com says it is, “things wanted or needed.” Merriam-Webster.com defines it as “something desired as essential.” Looking at these definitions, I see that this poem is a list of things that are essential, wanted, or needed. If I go with Dean’s title, it is for happiness. If I go with the poem’s title, it is for life. Happiness and life. Two important aspects of the human experience, and by life I don’t mean breathing and being alive. I mean truly living. Experiencing life. Loving every minute of it.

    As the English teacher that I am, I will simplify this poem for myself so that I can see the bones of it, the structure, the “what” I am supposed to gain from its words.

    Stanza One:

    Go placidly (peacefully, calmly) though life

    Remember the peace of silence

    Be on good terms with all people

    Do not surrender

    Speak your truth

    Listen to others

    Stanza Two:

    Avoid aggressive people

    Do not compare yourself to others

    Enjoy your achievements

    Enjoy your plans

    Stanza Three:

    Be interested in your career (it has great worth in an uncertain world)

    Be cautious in business

    Do not be blind to virtue and high ideals (high moral standards)

    There are heroes in the world

    Stanza Four:

    Be yourself

    Do not pretend to like/love someone

    Do not be cynical (distrustful) about love

    Love is perennial (enduring)

    Stanza Five:

    Accept the wisdom of growing older

    Grow strong in spirit for tough moments.

    Do not imagine bad things in the future.

    Fear comes from being tired and lonely.

    Be disciplined in life.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    Stanza Six:

    You have great importance.

    You have a right to be alive.

    Everything is happening as planned.

    Stanza Seven:

    Be at peace with a higher power.

    Have peace in your soul.

    Stanza Eight:

    The world is beautiful despite all of the negative.

    Be cheerful (full of good spirits).

    Strive (devote great energy to) to be happy.

    The Big Ideas of the Poem:

    peace with others

    peace with higher power

    peace with self

    truth

    acceptance

    self-acceptance

    self-discipline

    self-importance

    wisdom

    work

    right to live

    gentleness

    beauty

    love

    cheerfullness

    happiness

    enjoyment

    After breaking down the poem into these big ideas, it is a simple, yet profound list. Some seem easier than others to accomplish, but it is clear how all of these ideas fit together to form a full and happy life.

    The list begins with peace, and I can think of no better way to soothe the soul than to have peace. Of the three in the list, peace with self is the most important to me. If I do not have peace with myself, then I cannot possibly have peace with anyone else. Peace with myself means accepting myself, flaws and all. It means being ok with not being perfect. It means not using the word “should” about my life. It means not comparing myself to others and finding myself lacking. So many important lessons that have been learned through so many dark moments and lots of therapy. While peace with others is important, I have also come to the point in my life where I don’t need to please others. I don’t need to be accepted by others. I don’t need the validation of others to be valuable. I have decided to only bring people into my life who love me, positively challenge me, make me better, and accept me. I will no longer suffer the people who bring me down or make my life more difficult. This is not to say that I don’t pull my own weight. That I don’t support those around me. That I am cold or closed-off. The opposite is true. I love to help others. It is in my nature to be supportive and welcoming, but if I am burned, it is forever. I don’t have time in my life for purposeful hurt and hatefulness. Life is too short. Life is also too short to deal with the frustrations of church and a fickle higher power who may or may not care about me. I have also made peace with my relationship with God, which is to say that I have walked away from church and broken ties with that higher power. There are days when I miss the feeling of belonging that church youth group used to give me, but the amount of judgement and hurt that I have faced at the hands of so-called Christians is enough to wipe away anything positive. That part of my young, impressionable life was important for teaching me many life lessons, but I have made peace with where I am now. I no longer wear the title of Christian, and I have never been happier.

    Beauty is another element of the list that is so important to me. I find beauty in nature, in words, and in friendship. I love to be out in nature and am happiest when I am near water. If I could sit on the beach with the waves crashing near me and just breathe, that would be peace and paradise for me. Words swirl in my mind and jump out to me and stay with me in my soul. I read books and certain phrases stick with me. I hear songs and lines stay in mind forever. Language has always been a part of me. But the most beautiful thing in my life that I cherish on the same level as my family is my friends. I have been so lucky to meet the most amazing girls when we were in college in the early 2000’s. We met during marching band and all joined the same co-ed band fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi. We have been, at various times, roommates, bridesmaids, therapists, adventurers, shenanigan creators, and so much more. We have a daily group chat that keeps us connected. We can text any of us at a moment’s notice, and at least one of us will be there. We have seen each other through joy and sorrow and anger and fear. These women are my family, even more so than the ones I have by blood because we chose each other. And the beautiful thing is that we continue to choose each other over and over again. That is beauty and joy and happiness all wrapped together.

    With age has come some wisdom, but no matter how many years pass, I will still feel like a kid inside who is masquerading as an adult. How did I become an adult? How did I become the veteran teacher? How on earth did I get gray hair? Lol! But no matter how many years I have left on this earth, I will continue to strive to be happy.

    So, thank you to Janice Dean for introducing me to the “Desiderata: Words for Life” by Max Ehrmann and thank you to Max Ehrman for helping me to reflect on what I need to be happy. My personal list, my Desiderata of Happiness, is this:

    Accept and be at peace with myself

    Compare myself to no one, because I am me.

    Continue to find beauty in the little things.

    Make time for nature.

    Make time for friends.

    Make time for family.

    Make time for me.

    Do the things that I enjoy.

    Only allow in those things and people who make my life better.

    Focus on health, not being skinny.

    Block out the noise of life that is not helpful.

    Sleep is beautiful.

    Travel whenever possible.

    Experience new things.

    Always remember when trials happen, this too shall pass.

    These are the things that I will hold onto with all that is in me. With the conviction that I have learned from one of my favorite writers, Annie Dillard. In one of my favorite essays, “Living Like Weasels,” she says, “We could, you know. We can live any way we want…I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death, where you’re going no matter how you live, cannot you part.” This is a Desiderata. To live any way that we want. To live for the essential. The necessary. Life. Happiness. Me.

  • Post #19: 6/23/26

    Post #19: 6/23/26

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full, but a Bit Shaky

    This summer has been both a reflective summer and one where I have read the words of many female writers, some of whom I knew I would connect with and others I knew that I probably wouldn’t. I have chosen the books on my reading list for three main reasons: 1. The authors are female, 2. I own the physical copies on my bookshelf and I am trying to keep only those books that I truly love or connect with, and 3. They are available on the Libby app for me to listen to so that I can do a combination of reading in print and listening on audio depending on if I am at home or working at my second job at Walmart. My inspiration for today’s post comes from a book that I didn’t think I was going to connect to much, and it isn’t because I didn’t think the book wouldn’t be worth reading or because I had any pre-conceived notions about the author, it was because I knew the author has a Christian point of view and that is a part of my past that I have detached from many years ago for myriad reasons. However, true to my teacher heart, I vow to always find at least one nugget worth holding onto from anything that I read or any professional development I attend or motivational speech that I listen to. It is just part of my nature. If I am going to spend part of my life with these words, then by golly, I am going to get something out of it. It turns out that despite some of the “Christianese” that stuck in my chest and made me feel the old anxiety, I did gain several beautiful insights from Rachel Hollis’s book Girl, Wash Your Face. I’ll admit that I listened to this one on the Libby app and wound up typing a few notes into my phone and writing a few others on scraps of paper that I came across while picking groceries at Walmart; see cover photo for evidence of this. Lol! Either way, my biggest “Aha moment” came when she said, “Every year you get to write the chapter of your story; don’t write the same one 75 times and call it a life.” I know, I know. There was some drama about plagiarism surrounding Rachel and this quote, but we are not besties. I can still be inspired by it.

    So, when I heard this quote come through my off-brand AirPods, I stopped in my tracks. I was supposed to be picking groceries- probably a bag of shredded cheese (the favorite blend in my town is fiesta… or possibly a party-size bag of Doritos, another town staple)- but I paused and wrote this quote down on a scrap of paper that I found in my vest pocket. It made me think about my own life. It made me think specifically about my family’s finances and the struggles we have been facing for the past several years that we thought we had overcome, but that came back with a surprise vengeance with home repair issues with our new house and then with health issues for my husband and then with the survival that follows major health issues. It truly felt like we were writing the same chapter over and over. Financial struggle. Fix it. Start to recover. Major catastrophe. Wipe out any small amout in savings. Financial struggle. Fix it. Start to recover. Major catastrophe. Wash-Rinse-Repeat. Then within that cycle came the anger, denial, acceptance, depression, numbness, and anxiety cycle that followed. I asked my therapist if I somehow sabotaged myself into this constantly happening. Did I somehow secretly revel in despair and in overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds over and over again? Did I secretly believe in my subconscious that I didn’t deserve to be happy? OR, was the universe just against me? Maybe I was cursed? I had no idea. (By the way, he said no. He said that there was no way that I could orchestrate events such as a deer totalling my husband’s car or my husband suddenly going into heart failure. I still wonder about being cursed…JK, but maybe not JK…) But this quote made me realize that I am not going to take the current fallout from the last catastrophe lying down. This chapter will have a different ending. We are taking steps to get out of the situation sooner; they are legal, I promise. But this time, we are not taking the long road. It is a scary decision, but one that is better in the long run. I don’t want the next 40 years of my life to be the same as the first 40. These chapters will be different.

    Something else that Rachel talks about often is the importance of doing things that make the reader happy. This is also my new mantra. I am going to focus more on doing those things. I have been spending more time this summer reading, gardening, napping, and relaxing. There are tons of things that I need to do, but I am taking time for me and for my soul to heal and to gain back the strength that the school year and that life have zapped from me. I have been writing more entries here. I want to write more, but slow and steady is the start. I don’t want to jump in too fast and make this feel like a chore instead of something I enjoy. With all of the relaxing, I do know that the time for action is coming. Because the new chapters are going to involve more than just financial changes. The final pages of Rachel’s book really felt like an altar call, but instead of accepting Christ, they were about accepting the person I want to become and then taking concrete steps to become her. No, seriously, listen to the audio recording of Rachel reading the book and tell me if the tone and urgency don’t suddenly change as she nears the end. While I didn’t feel the need to find the nearest church and ask for prayer, it did give me the goosebump push I needed to truly think about this new chapter version of myself. Not the NEW & IMPROVED TANYA, but the Tanya I was always meant to be. Rachel says, “Only you have the power to change your life…You’ve always had the power, Dorothy. You just have to stop waiting for someone else to do it for you. There is no easy way out of this; there is no life hack. Just you and your God-given strength and how much you desire change.” Remove the “God-given” and I am fully on board. I know that there is no easy way out. I’ve tried easy ways to lose weight and ways to make quick money online, and none of those work. If there is going to be any kind of lasting change, it takes time and commitment, strength and work. It takes a desire to change and the will to not give up. My hold back has been the energy to lift that desire and make it a reality. But, in two weeks, my second job will be gone. I will have more time and more energy. I’ve learned that I can walk between 5 and 8 miles in a Walmart shift. That is a lot of physical activity. Imagine what I can do with that time if I get to use it for what I want? Yoga can come back into my life or hiking or dancing with my kids. The dreams are going to become a reality. I am so excited.

    So, as Rachel says at the end of the book I am going to, “Stop crying about what happened and take control of what happens next. Get up, right now. Rise up from where you’ve been. Scrub away the tears and the pain of yesterday, and start again…” My story is far from over. Many of my chapters are still unwritten. I have so many dreams that I don’t know which ones will come to fruition in my lifetime, but I will continue to dream and continue to work for as many as I can.

    One last piece of advice from Rachel that stood out to me and that I am taking this platform to state is this: She says to write your goals in plain sight. Write them somewhere you can see them. So, I am writing them here where I can see them and where others can see them. I am also writing them and placing them near my writing desk as a visual reminder that I have goals that I will accomplish.

    Goal 1. Become debt-free in 5 years (with the exception of the mortgage)

    Goal 2. Get healthy and lose weight so that I weigh under 200 pounds

    Goal 3. Become a full-time, published writer who can support herself financially with her craft.

    Well, world, here are my goals. They are out in the universe. I am going to work towards them and see what comes out in a later chapter. I hope that my life book is plenty long with lots of plot twists and choose-your-own-adventure moments mixed in. No more cookie-cutter chapters for this girl.

  • Post #18: 6/15/26

    Post #18: 6/15/26

    Cup Status: 1/4ish Full and Adding More Each Day

    The further away from the end of the school year that I move, the fuller my cup is getting. I need time to rest and to take care of the many delayed projects around my house and the cleaning needs that have been put off and put off. I need time to sit and to relax, to nap, and to watch a variety of shows on HGTV and Food Network. I need time to get back to meal planning and menu-making, moving beyond daily food survival to actual planning for taste and time and enjoyment. I need time to implement projects and put sweat equity and creativity and my own personal touches into my home instead of imagining what they will look like when they are finished. I need time to decide I like my job again and to remember that I love my family and to remember that they are not just a part of my daily checklist of responsibilities and tasks to take care of before I finally get to, mercifully, fall into bed. I need time to enjoy the outdoors and complain about the heat and feel the dirt in my hands and watch my garden grow and say things to my children such as, “Please stop telling your sister that the skin walkers are going to get her if she doesn’t stop spraying you with the hose.” AND “Please stop calling your brother a gremlin and chasing him around the house with bright pink lipstick.” AND, to my oldest child, “Oh, you are alive. I thought that you had become a vampire. Nice to see you awake before four PM.” I really do love summer. I have grad classes I need to be working on and curriculum that I need to be updating, but for now, just for now, I am taking a well-deserved break.

    While on that break, I have read two books that have been on my list for quite some time (I’ve actually read more than two books thanks to the wonderful world of audiobooks, but my focus is on these two in particular). One is Bossypants by Tina Fey and the other is Yes, Please by Amy Poehler. While reading both of them, I laughed out loud many times, which caused those around me to look at me strangely, as I often read in public places to pass the time. I was moved by endearing family stories, and I felt the connection to these two women as they described their awkward childhood selves. I listened to the tales of their career journeys and the outlook that they both have towards life, love, and work. I read about their experiences with motherhood and their husbands and the expectations society puts on women. And, I laughed. I contemplated. I was righteously angry. I wished I had a pen or pencil with me so I could make notes in the margins. But, most of all, I saw two women who told about their lives and, I believe, hoped someone would take something away from the experience of spending several hours with them during the reading journey. I am happy to say that I did. I wish that I could say that I connected with both women equally, but that is not the case. The titles of each book alone will tell anyone who knows me which person I identified with more. Here’s a hint: after many quiz retakes on Pottermore, I am indeed a Hufflepuff. If I were on the trip to Mordor in Lord of the Rings, I would be Samwise Gamgee. In the world of Myers-Briggs, I am an INFJ. The Advocate. I will ask for what I want and need, but it will be accompanied by a “please” or “if that’s ok” or something along those lines, and what I need usually is because someone else really needs it too, and I am just the one who asks for the good of the group. That’s me. So, Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” style didn’t fit me entirely, but there was one section in particular that did speak to me deeply. It is the section on the rules of improv. I am pretty sure that this section spoke to me for two reasons. 1. I am a teacher and teaching is a great game of both script and improv. I plan the broader strokes of the lesson, and then the minutiae fill themselves in as the students need them to be filled in and as their unique class and individual personalities add to it. I really think that teachers are great improvisers, but we can only be that way if we have a rock-solid plan in place first. Seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? 2. I used to be an icredibly structured, organized, difficult to get along with, has to be my way type of person. I now know this was because I needed control over my situation due to a severe lack of control over many traumatic events earlier in my life, but at the time I was a total bitch to live with. I am truly amazed that I have friends from that period of my life who still love me. Mini-soapbox: Therapy is wonderful. I believe that everyone can benefit from therapy. Please try to attend therapy if at all possible. It changed my life for the better.

    Back to what I was saying before. So, Tina Fey’s “The Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life and Reduce Belly Fat” really struck a chord with me, but before explaining why, I have to address something that bothered me throughout the book. Fey mentioned weight several times. I understand the struggle with weight. I really, really do. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. I also understand using humor and comedy as a coping mechanism or a way to address a difficult topic, but there were several moments, such as this title, that the weight reference didn’t seem necessary. It felt like a laugh grab, and I didn’t laugh…But, again, back to my main points. Fey says the first rule of improv is to, “…Agree. Always agree and SAY YES.” Now, it may not always be wise to agree and say yes, but Fey clarifies this point when she says, “…obviously in real life you’re not always going to agree with everything. But the Rule of Agreement reminds you to ‘respect what your partner has created’ and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where it takes you.” This is such wise advice. If everyone would keep an open mind and would listen to others and see what it is that they are trying to create, the end product could be something wonderful. However, too often, we are thinking about what we are going to say or do next, so when we do speak or act, it doesn’t make any sense or connect in any way to what is currently happening or currently needed in a situation. For example, in education right now. Schools need support and funding from the government at the state and the federal levels, but instead of helping to solve the problems in the public school system, funding is being cut and redirected elsewhere. Teachers and students are setting the scene; the needs are obvious, but the reaction from the scene partner doesn’t make any sense in the context of what has already been established. There is no rule of agreement between the players, and therefore the scene has stalled. Another example of this in the classroom is when a student has a clear need. That need might be a need for clarification or a lack in pre-requisite/foundational knowledge. If the teacher misses the cue or misinterprets the cue or responds in exactly the same way that they already have, the learning will stall. The scene will end, and no one will be the better for it.

    The second rule of improv is “…YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something of your own.” For a teacher, this rule is beautiful. I am handed state standards, and I have a curriculum that I have a hand in helping to create from district-approved materials, but I still get to be the AND. There are elements of my job that I have to say “Yes” where there is little wiggle room, but the AND is where I get to shine. This is where I get to use the strategies and techniques that will spark engagement instead of boredom. This is where I will attempt to make the dry material interesting. This is also where I ask my students to be the AND. With their learning, I already expect them to say “Yes,” but to engage in the material and to make it their own, to increase the rigor and the understanding, they need to add to it, to level up. A +1 if you will (Thank you, John Antonetti, for teaching me this move). Tina Fey explains this rule further when she says, “…YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. It’s your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.” It is this idea of fear that often holds people back from contributing, from taking a risk, from believing that they have anything worthy of contribution. This is what needs to be changed in education and in the classroom today. As a Hufflepuff, risk-taking is not my forte, but I do my best to push against the boxed expectations to seek the “why” of what I am being asked to do. I am always all in for my students, but when it comes to directives and mandates from on high, I often turn the question to them: Yes, and…how will I be supported? Yes, and…how is this beneficial to my students? Yes, and…will this replace something on my plate or add another precarious piece to the pile? So, say YES, AND add to the conversation, ask questions, be the spark of creativity or change, or at least make a big enough fuss that people ask if the whiny girl might have a point.

    The third rule of improv is to “MAKE STATEMENTS. This is a positive way of saying ‘Don’t ask questions all the time.’…In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.” I hate to admit that my initial reaction to anything new that is going to be a challenge is to get irritated and then angry. I know that this happens because I am embarrassed by my lack of understanding and knowledge and because I do not like to be vulnerable in front of other people. Notice that I said, “In front of other people.” If I can work by myself with a set of directives or with a general direction or idea, I can explore and mess up and get lost and find my way back multiple times. I can get lost in the messiness of learning and discovery. Then, when I am confident that I have figured out the base needs of the situation or how to use the new program or whatever the situation calls for, that is when I am ready to collaborate. That is when I am ready to offer solutions to problems or to work with others to figure out how best to address a problem. This is because I have already struggled with it on my own and worked out somewhere between 3-10 potential options. I am now ready to run those ideas by someone and to get feedback and to hear their ideas and to give them feedback and for our ideas to blend or to throw out the bad ones and stick with the good ones, etc. I am not good at showing my “messy” at being in the midst of my questions. My insecurities and my need to process things over time and not in the moment are often the culprit for my knee-jerk reactions. I am a definite introvert. When I feel comfortable and safe with a person, then I can make statements. Then I can offer my solutions and defend them. I get flustered when I am grilled on the spot about a problem that needs a solution, unless it is a problem that I have previously encountered in some similar iteration. This is why, as mentioned earlier, teaching is a great game of improv, but for me, it is only great when it is blended with a well-planned-out lesson as well. I want to be able to make statements more often, but when I am pushed before I am ready or before I have figured it out for myself, I will only be capable of pointing out obstacles. It is my negative default, and I do not like it. However, once I am comfortable working with someone and I have built up a certain level of trust and understanding with them, then I can embrace this rule as well.

    Rule number four of improv comforts me because “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities.” Even though there is comfort in this thought, I still must say in a melodramatic voice, “Alas, if only this were the case!” I have made plenty of mistakes as a teacher and as a co-worker. I have reacted too quickly to a student and misread a situation. I have gotten angry and flown off the handle during a meeting, only to be extremely embarrassed by my behavior later. I have gotten to school in the morning thinking that I had everything ready for the day only to realize that I had forgotten something very important. I have been so openly myself at times that I realized I probably should have reined the girl in just a bit. Each of these examples, vague as they are, is definitely an example of opportunities for reflection and growth. For connection with others and with myself. No one person is perfect, and teachers are no exception. It sure seems like society believes teachers should be perfect or that teachers should be held to a higher standard than people in other professions, but at the end of the day, teachers are regular people who are doing their best amidst the struggles and triumphs of daily life. So, while there may be opportunities in our actions, we wouldn’t have gotten there without the mistake first.

    So, teaching is a game of improv that also has a plan, but ask any experienced teacher if every single day of the school year followed the lesson plan as it was intended, and I can guarantee they will say no. I am even willing to bet that the majority would say that less than half of their plans went exactly the way they had wanted them to. But ask them if a good portion of those days went even better than they had imagined, and I also bet that a good many of them will say yes. We can’t always plan the good, and we can’t always predict the bad, but what we do with both when they arise is what really matters. I just wish that this grumpy introvert could be alone each time a tidal wave of change hits so that she can process her emotions in real time without an audience, but I’m pretty sure that I picked the wrong career for that.

  • Post #17: 6/5/26

    Post #17: 6/5/26

    Cup Status: Empty, but Trying to Catch a Few Dew Drops

    The last few weekends, once spring began and the danger of frost had ended, I began working on my garden. I removed debris such as leaves left from fall and any weeds that had made it past my weed barrier. I retilled the soil and added my special plant fertilizer. I then replaced the weed barrier and carefully, almost reverently, placed my baby plants into their new homes. For the plants that I was starting from seed by direct sowing into the ground, I dug small holes to the specifications of each type of plant and placed a few seeds into each prepared hole. I watered the baby plants and seeds, then I took a deep breath, and I hoped. I hoped that the time I put into preparing the soil was time well spent. That each obstacle removed would ensure a healthy harvest. That the fertilizer I added would nourish each plant as it grew and bore fruit for my family. That each seed and plant would have such a harvest that my family would be able to feast all summer and into the fall with plenty left over to freeze for the winter. This was my hope as I toiled in my garden over several spring weekends.

    Hope is the one emotion, the one concept, the one life raft that keeps people going during difficult times. During times when it feels like the end of the difficulties isn’t in sight and never will be. When it feels like all of the resourcefulness and the ingenuity and the creativity have been used up.

    Emily Dickinson reminds me that

    “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers –
    That perches in the soul –
    And sings the tune without the words –
    And never stops – at all -“

    Hope never stops. It continues on beyond everything else. It takes up residence in our soul and continues singing for us even when we cannot sing for ourselves. Even when there are no words. Hope remains. I don’t know how it remains, but it does.

    Barack Obama reminds me that

    “Hope- Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope. In the end, that is…The belief that there are better days ahead.”

    To continue to hope when life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way and tripping me up with challenges that I wish could have been avoided. To continue to hope when I am feeling so uncertain about how I will make it from one obstacle to the next. To have the audacity, the boldness, the bravery, the courage to continue clawing through those obstacles to find the light on the other side of the darkness. That is what hope is all about. Even when it feels like all of my hope should be diminished, I seem to scrounge up more. Seriously, where does it keep coming from?

    What kind of English teacher would I be if I didn’t have at least one quote from a young adult dystopian novel, too? Even though I hate that these wise words come from the mouth of President Snow, he does make a fair point.

    Snow tells Seneca Crane in The Hunger Games, “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.”

    That is what I need to remember daily. Hope. It is such a small word, but it is capable of overcoming so much. Of pushing back fear. Of giving a person the strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. To seek help. To find creative solutions. To keep working towards the light at the end of the tunnel of the struggles until, hopefully, one day they can live the life they imagined. And by “they,” I mean me.

    So, how to wrap up? How about the end? How will I know when I am at the end of the troubles? Thanks to one of my favorite artists, I will know…

    Andy Grammar reminds me that

    “It’s just a chapter in your story
    Turn that page and grab that pen
    ‘Cause, darling, everything’ll be alright
    If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end
    Don’t you trust what they are saying
    All those voices in your head
    ‘Cause, darling, everything’ll be alright
    If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end
    Then it’s not the end”

    I feel like some chapters of my life I would have rather skipped or torn out of the book or perhaps would like the editor to cut it before the book goes to print, but I also suppose then, my life wouldn’t have made me who I am…a depressed, neurotic mess…I can’t say that I agree with people who say that we should be grateful for our struggles because they have made us stronger or that everything happens for a reason or this was my fate or my path. I just can’t believe in that. I won’t be grateful for some of the things that I have gone through. I refuse to believe that the abuses I suffered through in several different situations are something that happened for a reason. I would gladly have lived my life without experiencing them. I would gladly have found strength another way so that I wasn’t also having to fight through the damage that was done from those situations all these years later. I can’t be grateful for some of the poor decisions that I made in my past that have led me to some of the challenges that I am facing today. Sure, poor financial decisions when I was young did lead me to be able to cook Ramen 1,000 different ways and I can make many different sauces from takeout condiment packets, but these fabulous life skills aside, I would rather I had made much better decisions when I was younger. What I can be grateful for, however, is that I still have hope. Everything will eventually be alright. I hope. I will keep working towards that in every way that I can, but sometimes that work is so tiring and the weight is so heavy.

    So, instead, I garden. I place my hope in a tiny seed. I remove its obstacles. I prepare the soil with nutrients. I plant it carefully. I water it diligently. I remove any new obstacles that get in its way and threaten its ability to thrive. I protect it from harm as it is growing. I check on it daily and I hope for a harvest. Because that is what keeps me looking forward. Hope.

  • Post #16: 6/1/26

    Post #16: 6/1/26

    Cup Status: Empty, Not Even a Drop.

    So, it has been quite some time since I have posted. There were days when it ached not to write. There were other days when I was too exhausted to remember to write. Then there were days when I didn’t feel anything at all. When I think back on the last 6 months, I have been pretty absent from my own life. Trying to keep my head, and the heads of my four family members, above water will do that to a person. I have always been a nose-to-the-grindstone kind of person, but when we couldn’t pay our bills and couldn’t afford food for our children, things had to rapidly change. So, in October, I applied for a second job. This was after months of crunching the numbers and selling things and calling creditors and asking for an extension and trying to hide my growing panic from everyone who loves me. I know what some of you might be thinking. Wow, a second job. That isn’t that heroic. People do this all the time. True, and I am not negating that, but for me, this was, and continues to be, a very large sacrifice of time. I am an English teacher who teaches daily and who grades for hours. Yes, after 21 years, I have mastered the art of grading as quickly as possible, but when you have 150 students, assignments and essays still take time, and I mean HOURS of time FOR WHICH WE DO NOT GET PAID BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TIME IN THE CONTRACTED DAY TO GET IT ALL DONE IN THE EXPECTED TIMELY MANNER. So, I grade on my couch while holding my children. I grade in my bed while trying to stay awake. I take my grading to my second job and grade during my breaks. This has brought some camaraderie to my second job as I get many offers to help and jovial suggestions of what comments to leave. I just love that I am completing work for one job at my other place of work. Shrug and sigh, but this is because I get things done. To my own detriment at times.

    Well, back in October, I was hired to work at Walmart in my small town. I quickly learned that I would be working with many former students and several current students. What a strange place to be where some called me by my first name while others called Ms. T. Then people I didn’t know before working there called me Ms. T just because some of the teenagers did. It was kind of funny. I just started to respond to anything that sounded like it was aimed at me, as long as it wasn’t insulting. If it was, I yelled something equally fun back…just kidding…unless it was an adult whom I did not know in any educational way. I appreciated this job for many reasons. I didn’t have to be in charge of anything or anyone. I could just show up, work hard, and go home. What a novel concept. I could joke around with people and be a little bit more of myself, as long as the current students weren’t there…awkward…I could listen to audiobooks while working since I don’t work in a customer-facing position. I have finished 39 books this calendar year so far! But, as I worked 4-6 days a week, my body began to protest. Then my mind. I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t focus. Then, my emotions went crazy. I was angry and emotional and irrational and laughing and crying all in the same 15-minute span. Things were not working, but I was bringing in extra money that we so desperately needed. And, something unexpected happened during the first few months when I felt myself losing control of my life and my schedule. I was finding satisfaction in my Walmart job that I rarely (at least it feels like rarely) felt at my teaching job. A coworker would ask me how to do something and I would show them. Then they would do it correctly and tell me thanks! Then, they would be praised by the team lead for doing a good job that day or days or weeks later. I saw the immediate benefit of my teaching. In my classroom, I would often teach a student one-on-one and see them correctly understand and demonstrate that understanding of a concept to me and then get every response wrong on a formative assessment later that hour or the next class period. Barely any time had passed and they had already forgotten. What was the point? Why did I bother? (Now, this was not the case with every student, but you get the point). I would work hard during a 9-hour closing shift and at the end of the night, everything was done well. I knew that we had set the morning crew up for a successful opening shift. There was satisfaction in that. I knew that my work would benefit the next shift. But, at school, I can only hope that my students will remember what I teach them so that their teacher the next year will be set up for success as well. I can only hope…not know for sure. That is so disheartening.

    So, for months, Walmart took over my spare time. I barely saw my kids. I barely saw my spouse. My house fell apart. Forget meal planning. Forget getting my hair cut or painting my nails. Did I take a shower last night? I don’t remember; I was so tired that I was lucky I took out my contacts before falling asleep. When was the last time I saw my family and friends? I don’t know. Then came the worst moment. Despite all of the extra hours, it wasn’t enough. We were still drowning in debt and could not take out any more small loans from companies like Affirm. We were nearing Christmas and were worried. I sent a text that I didn’t want to send. Not because I was scared or worried she would say no, but because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I had failed so badly. I had failed at being a provider. At being a mom. At being a wife. At being the person she had raised. How had I let things get this bad? Of course, no one expects to have their spouse experience a catastrophic medical event that almost takes their life and leaves them saddled with thousands and thousands in medical debt and the fallout that comes with that, but why hadn’t I made smarter choices? I should have saved more. I shouldn’t have bought this or that. I shouldn’t have done this or that. My mind swam with all of my failures and all of the choices that I had made that had led to the text that I was about to send. So, I took a deep breath and just asked my mom if she could please lend us money to buy the kids some Christmas presents because we couldn’t afford it that year despite our best efforts. Her response was beautiful. I will have some money in your account tomorrow and it is a gift and not a loan. And she did. More than we needed. What I hadn’t said, but what she had to have known, was that we really needed money for other things too. Food. Utilities. Gas for our cars. I ugly cried because of the love and the relief and because I knew that for that brief time, I didn’t have to be my own safety net. There were other amazing people who helped us through the holidays as well. I am so blessed to have friends who stepped in and gifted my family with presents and financial assistance just because they love us and because they are some of the most amazing and selfless people I know. Just to show that when life is darkest, the universe can send a surprise, my dad visited us one day after the holidays and surprised us with some vintage finds and with a check that he had no idea how much we needed. The day he gave it to us, we had $2 in the bank and needed to buy groceries and put gas in the car, and yes, Dad, we also put it towards a medical bill. Lol!

    I am amazed at how things sometimes work out and I am so grateful for those who think of us. I really hope that one day we will be in a position where we can help others like they have helped us. What I worry about is that we will never get there. It has been 6 months and we are still working from paycheck to paycheck. I am plugging away at Walmart and working this summer on completing some graduate classes so that I can move up the pay scale at school. While this blog is about me, Jamie has also been voice-tracking for different radio stations, some in this state, some out of state, and one in Canada. Shout out! If anyone out there needs an awesome voice-tracker with 27 years of radio experience in a variety of markets and musical genres who has a ridiculous amount of musical trivia at the ready, have I got a guy for you! Some days he completes three different morning shows before I even wake up. But, despite both of us working two jobs and bringing in what we can, we are no closer to moving past surviving. It is so frustrating, so I think I just have to use this place to write about that. To get it out. I have this sign in my room that says, “Live the Life You Imagined.” Well, the life I imagined, had no crazy amounts of debt, did not involve worrying about having enough food for the week, did not include not being able to afford shoes when my kids outgrow them, did not have me convincing my sons that long hair looks good on them because we can’t afford haircuts, did not involve me being angry and depressed all the time, and definitely didn’t have me looking up jobs other than teaching that teachers can do because I just don’t know if I can last another 9 years until retirement. It involves not being so tired that I don’t have the energy to play with my kids. It involves living beyond the lowest levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. There is no way a person can thrive when they are trying to survive every day. Sure, we have a nice home, but we are one bad illness from losing it. Sure we have internet and streaming services, but we are one missed check from losing those, same with the cell phones, same with the electric service and the water bill and the trash service. We own our cars and are hoping that we can make them last as long as possible. Come on 2016 and 2019! You can do it!

    We are rich in the ways that matter. We have amazing families and friends. Truly. There are no words to express how much we love our people. We are working for our health after a rough two years. All tests have been coming back with positive and improved results. We have healthy children who keep us active. We have jobs, even when they frustrate the crap out of us. At those jobs, we have amazing coworkers who put up with us and keep things interesting. And, my one time-consuming hobby, my summer garden, is looking promising. Here’s hoping that some cheap seeds will indeed produce a large harvest. Maybe all of this toil and trouble will have a large harvest too and maybe it will be a positive one, but for now, my cup is empty because I am too tired to go fill it up.

  • Post #15: 10/7/25

    Post #15: 10/7/25

    Cup Status: Half Empty and Half Full

    I am at crossroads in many ways in my life this week. I am finishing up season 21 of Grey’s Anatomy after a marathon binge of the show that I started in June of this year. It has been a journey for sure. The 22nd season begins on the 9th and I am trying to finish season 21 in time for the start. So, while I am excited to be at the end of this massive journey, I am also sad that it is coming to an end. I have to wait for the end of the season to find out if there will be another one or if the long running show will come to an end. I sure hope it won’t. Even though I have seen a bit of a pattern in these episodes after watching so many of them, I still look forward to my nightly episode or two. So, as I wrap up this crazy, epic binge, here is what I have noticed about this show that I have spent so much time with:

    1. If you live in Seattle, something terrible will happen to you, eventually. It is inevitable.
    2. If you work for Seattle Grace/Grey-Sloan, you or someone you love will eventually end up in a life or death situation.
    3. At least once a season, someone’s job will be threatened due to some kind of illegal activity (Whether that activity was accidental or on purpose).
    4. If you are driving in a car you will probably get in a car accident. If you are driving in a car with another person you will get in a car accident and it will be terrible.
    5. If you take a day off to go have fun or relax, you will end up riding in an ambulance and back at the ER because you were on the scene of something grisly.
    6. Everyone will eventually kiss or sleep with everyone else. It will cause problems, but they will eventually get over it.
    7. Characters will be injured in many ways. Most of them terrible. Most of them catastrophic. Yet, somehow, many of them will survive.
    8. Characters you love will leave the show and it will suck. Many of them will be killed off so that they can’t come back, but that doesn’t mean they won’t make cameos because, see number 7.
    9. Hunt and Altman will never stop having issues. Ever. I am certain of this.
    10. If someone sneezes or coughs, blood will come out of their mouth or nose and then their condition will escalate very quickly.
    11. People will have feelings for each other or love each other, but they won’t say anything for days, weeks, months, seasons. Then, even after they do, the relationship will be rocky and will have so many ups and downs.
    12. I know that I will hear the terms: anastomosis, tachycardic, friable, intubation, central line, epinephrine, pneumothorax, whipple, etc. at least a million times an episode.
    13. I know that I will cry at least once every three or four episodes and it won’t be pretty.

    I know that there are more common occurrences that I will remember later when I am living my life, but these are the standouts for now. But, I will say this, no matter how many times I see repeated patterns or elements that seem a bit too familiar, I just smile because there is something comforting in the familiarity. These tropes do help to keep the world of Grey’s feeling familiar while so many of the characters have changed from season one to season 21. I am looking for to season 22 beginning on October 9th. But, the next decision I need to make is, what show will become the subject of my next binge? I am not sure yet. That is the beauty of the end of something–the beauty of choice and what comes next.

  • Post #13: 9/4/25

    Post #13: 9/4/25

    Cup Status: Filling Up, It Starts and Stops

    I love music. Music charms my soul. It fills me up. The words speak to me. There are many songs that have been the song of the moment for me across the years. Right now, the song that is my anthem of sorts is “Monster” by Andy Grammer. When this song starts playing, I turn up the volume and I sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, or at least as loud as the time and place allows. My car is the best place to sing this song. Especially when I am driving down the highway. Something about the faster speed makes singing this song even more epic.

    The first stanza:

    “I been feeling numb, I been feeling stressed
    Putting in that work with my therapist
    And I’ve been letting go of some gnarly shit
    That’s been holding me back, back, back”

    This first section speaks to me because I have felt numb (for quite some time “Numb Little Bug” was my jam). It was easier to ignore my feelings than to deal with them and so I chose numbness. I have felt stressed and have tried, and am continuing to try, methods to deal with that stress. Yoga. Journaling. Deep breathing. Walking. And eventually therapy that has continued for several years. I have most definitely let go of tons and tons of gnarly shit. I have put in hours of work. Shed buckets of tears. Repeated many mantras. Reframed many thoughts. My therapist is definitely on the list of people I am most grateful for. I still have more work to do, but I’m tired of holding myself back.

    Chorus:

    “‘Cause there’s a calling, there’s a spirit
    And I’m trying to hear it
    Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
    Ooh, more, more, more
    And there’s a whisper, there’s a power
    I can hear it getting louder
    Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
    Ooh, more, more, more
    There’s a monster in me who shut down, went to sleep
    And forgot who he really was
    But he’s waking up”

    The thing is, I love my family. I love my life. Sure, I have general frustrations and things that I would change if I could (here’s looking at you kitchen cabinets that are missing doors because the previous owners thought that was a good look…). I wish that we made more money so that we could travel more. I wish I could maintain my motivation to work out, eat healthier, and ultimately lose weight and keep it off, but that is an ongoing battle. I have been on a journey of self-discovery of sorts and I know that I am made for more, more, more. What that more is, I am just not too sure. I know that I want to be a published author. I have three books in various states of completion. I want to travel as many places as possible. And, I want something more, but I have no idea what that is. I have been trying to figure that out, but it feels like it is just around the corner or over the horizon and I can’t figure it out. I do feel like the “monster” of my youth fell asleep the further I have gone into adulthood, but being in my 40’s has stoked the fire of my journey to self-rediscovery. Who am I now? What do I want? Where do I fit in this life I have built? How do I stay me while also wearing the wife hat? The mom hat? The friend hat? The teacher hat? The adult hat? The sibling hat? The daughter and daughter in law hat? All of the hats.

    The Second Stanza:

    “I’m sick of having no pulse, no life, no soul
    A flat line on my vitals
    I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that
    I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that”

    I’ve spent the last few months feeling numb. It was easier than facing my overwhelming feelings. I would stare into the void or lose myself in TV or sleep late because waking up was too difficult. I had a pulse. I was alive, but I didn’t always feel like it. I have crawled out of the darkest places I found myself in this summer, but now I want to really live. I want to enjoy life. I want to thrive. But I am so tired. It is so hard to find the energy to do the things I want to do that will lead me to this life that is more alive. I want to change, but how do I do that?

    The Third Stanza:

    “Oh, oh, oh
    Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    Oh, oh, oh
    Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    Feel like I’m rising and shining (oh, oh, oh)
    Rubbing my eyes and I’m finding (oh, oh)
    My way up outta here (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    I’ve been asleep for a minute (oh, oh, oh)
    But my visions are beginning (oh, oh)
    To finally reappear (hey, hey, hey, hey)”

    I do feel like this is the stanza that I am working towards. I am beginning to rise and shine. I am rubbing my eyes and I have been asleep for some time. I am starting to reappear, but I am not there yet. I look forward to the, hopefully, near future when the “Monster” inside is fully awake and is fully realized and is living the life she always imagined. Maybe she just needs an energy drink first…

  • Post #11: 8/15/25

    Post #11: 8/15/25

    Cup Status: On Its Side and Spilling All Over the Counter

    Teacher tired. There is no other tired like it, except maybe new mom tired, but that is something else entirely. Lol! This week has been the back to school week for teachers at my school and I have been able to get quite a bit accomplished. It has been nice to see my colleagues again. It has been nice to be back in my classroom again. It has been nice to be back in my element. The place where I feel like I know what I am doing. Where I can choose how I want things to go and how I am going to help my students accomplish the goals that I set for them. This is where I look at evidence based practices and effect sizes and differentiated instruction and collaborative learning versus direct/explicit instruction. This is where I speak the language of teaching with all of the alphabet soup with others who are fluent in the language as well. CSIP and MSIP and BSIP and MOI and EOC and JPS and MLS and all of the others. I have already consumed more coffee in one week than I have all summer. I have enjoyed many pastries and cookies that were thoughtfully given to the school for us to enjoy. So good!

    I am doing my best to go to sleep earlier, but it is so difficult to do. All I want to do is stay up late and continue my binge watch of Grey’s Anatomy. My body betrays me, though, and I feel like a zombie when I get home no matter how much I want to watch just one more episode. This back to school season is kicking my butt. I hope that as I get into the rhythm of the school year that my energy level can even out. I would like for my body energy to match my mental energy for the beginning of the school year. The problem is, I don’t have the energy to do the things that need to be done to help raise my energy level. I know what to do, but I do not have the drive to do it. Meal prep healthy meals. Work out. Go to bed earlier. Do not doom scroll on my phone. Reduce the amount of caffeine that I consume. Etc. That’s the thing about being an adult. In my work life, I am able to make decisions that help things to run smoothly, but in my personal life, it seems like I am unable to find the ability to function fully. I cannot find my element here. I pride myself on being so organized and a planner and all of that, but those skills shine at work and not so much at home. I feel a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. At work, I am a superhero of getting things done. At home, I struggle to get off the couch. I am an extroverted introvert at work. At home, I am a full on exhausted introvert.

    At work today, we listened to a motivational speaker talking about the importance of being “All In” in life and at work. We received a memento, a token, with the words printed on it. He suggested that we decide where we wanted to keep the token as a reminder of where we needed to be “All In”. I sat in the gym, listening, and realized that I am already “All In” at work. I give so much to my students and my work because that is where I currently find so much of my validation and get so many of my needs met. What I realized was, I am not “All In” at home. It isn’t because I don’t want to be. It isn’t because I don’t care. I love my family. I love my home. I love myself. But I am starting to think that energy is finite. I don’t like that one bit. Because if that is true, then I have to really make sure that I am not giving too much energy at work to the detriment of my home and the ones I love. My crazy grandmother once told me that she only had enough love for me and not my two siblings because she only had so much love to give and she had already given the majority of her love to her dogs and cats. This concept perplexed me so much. How can love be finite? That’s ridiculous. However, energy is finite and I need to find a way to generate more of it or at least to parse it out differently. More learning for me. You would think that life would not be this difficult to figure out, but it is. So, I think that I need to be “All In” to figure out how to to be “All In”. This wears me out just thinking about it. How does a person be “All In” in every part of their lives? I want to be, I just don’t know how.

  • Post #10: 8/7/25

    Post #10: 8/7/25

    Cup Status: Filling Up, But Confused About Why

    So, I’ve really been thinking lately about why I feel more comfortable and like myself when I am busy and have deadlines and am, for lack of a better word, stressed. Why is it that I seem to thrive on stress? Why is my baseline for normal filled with a racing heart, shallow breathing, a pounding headache, and reminders to just breathe? The closer I get to the start of school, the closer I get to all of the deadlines, the more alive I feel. This just feels weird. I was in a therapy session recently and my therapist gave me a deck of cards that had different words that represent needs on them such as “valued” and “loved” and “respected” and others such as “creative” and “financial security”. He asked me to organize them however I wanted to in order to categorize them to show where those needs are currently being met, at least according to me. I decided on three categories: family/home, friends, and work. I started putting cards in piles and it soon became apparent that I have most of my needs met at work. When I looked closer at the needs that are being met at work, I realized that many of them could, and probably should, be met in different ways in my personal life, if only I let them. But then, I hear my therapist saying, don’t should all over your life. So instead, I will say, that I will be finding other ways to meet the needs that work is currently the only place that is meeting them. For example, “creativity.” I used to love scrapbooking, but I haven’t done it in 15 years despite having all of the supplies to enjoy the hobby. “Growth” is another need that gets met at work, but at home, I am not sure where I can grow at home. I am looking for ways to do this, besides literally growing food in my garden. The problem is, shifting my mindset and trying to live this different way seems impossible. I don’t even know where to start or how to do this. So, I do what I do best and I start researching. As a starting point, here is what I have found so far thanks to the article “CALM IS A CHOICE – STRESS IS A CHOICE”(https://martawilson.com/calm-is-a-choice/), “The brain chemicals that generate enthusiasm for a challenge are different from those that generate fear of a threat. And in many cases, whether we experience enthusiasm or fear is a matter of choice. We can choose attitudes that challenge, motivate and mobilize us, and that bring out the best in us. In other words, we can circumvent the fight or flight impulse by choosing to feel neither. How? By changing how we think.” It’s that idea of choosing how to think that confuses me. We can choose a new attitude. But, sometimes when we are in the middle of the stressful situation or the challenge facing us is so daunting, that can seem impossible. It is, however, something that I am going to actively try because I hope to get to where this next portion describes, “Eventually, we learn how to choose so our bodies don’t click into a fight or flight response at all. When we take responsibility for our assumptions, we begin to break the cycle of stress and become free to face seeming threats with energy and enthusiasm. What’s required is a conscious mental shift in how we view our world. What’s required is a change in attitude.” Not everything requires fight or flight. I need to remember that. A challenge can be exciting. It doesn’t have to soul crushing or migraine inducing, right? This will definitely be an uphill climb, but I am going to try to begin it with a positive attitude.