Cup Status: Empty
Knowing something versus doing something are two different things. I know I need to eat fewer carbs to help keep my diabetes under control, but actually doing so requires me to consume less bread, fewer items that contain processed sugar, and fewer foods that are high on the glycemic index, etc. Just knowing that I should do so does not help my health. I can know that I should exercise in order to have a strong body, but if I never do something about it, then my treadmill will sit in the corner of the room gathering dust. I can know that I should not stick a fork in the electrical outlet, but if I do that very thing, I am likely to injure myself or even die. Knowing that I should not drink gasoline because it will poison me and then not doing so are…not the same thing. So, knowing something and doing something are not the same. See a pattern? I can know or understand something, and I can take that knowledge and understanding and take action based on it and do something, and then there is a connection between the two. However, until the action is taken, the knowledge is, in essence, ineffective, impotent, moot.
So much of my life I battled feelings of self-worth. I have fought with my internal demons telling me that I wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t pretty enough. That no matter how hard I worked or tried, I would not amount to anything. It didn’t help that I had a horrible stepdad who said similar things to me or said them loud enough during fights with my mom that I could hear them. My personal favorite was, “She is so fat and ugly that no one will ever love her.” That was a real gem that still rolls around in my brain from time to time. I may be a bit on the chubby side, but I am not ugly, and I am loved, so he can suck it. Then there was the principal at my first teaching job, who, rather than support me during a difficult time, told me that some people weren’t cut out to be teachers and that he knew of one who quit teaching after the first semester and went to be a dishwasher in a restaurant. Guess who left his job as principal at semester? Him. Guess who is still teaching? Me. Anywho…Then there was the horrible department head who never supported me and accused me of not grading essays, but just assigning grades to them without actually reading them, and many other false accusations, none of which were true. She told administration that I was a terrible teacher and needed to be let go. I wasn’t fired, btw. Funny how, when put into a supportive environment with good leadership, I was able to shine. I give these somewhat petty examples to say that I battle with feeling like I am not lovable and like I am not a good teacher, etc. I know that that is not true, but these are falsehoods that I fight internally every day, and these three examples aren’t the only ones that I could give. There are more private ones that I am keeping to myself. So, when someone knows ways to love me and take care of me and chooses to do little about it, it brings up these feelings all over again. Am I worthy? Am I loved? Do I matter? To them…
You see, my love language is acts of service. This is how I show love. I take care of people. I want to be taken care of. But when I am stressed, I hide under a rock in my cave of solitude and pretend life doesn’t exist. It’s a very healthy way to deal with stress, actually. Just binge-watch TV and eat Cheetos and tell the stress to go away. Right? Right. No, really, when I get stressed, I push off all responsibility except what is necessary for survival and go into lockdown mode. It isn’t a pretty sight. I am functioning on the outside, but on the inside I am frozen, and I need help to make me function again, but when I see no “doing” going on around me and that it is all me again…I throw in the towel. What is the point in trying when it is just me…again…pick up the dirty clothes. The socks. The plates. The empty soda cans. The shoes. The dirty shirts flung over chairs. Do the dishes that didn’t get done last night. Make the menu. Go grocery shopping. Make dinner. Make the kids’ lunches. Set out their clothes. Do the laundry. Fold the laundry. Put the laundry away. Sweep the floor. Mop the floor. Vacuum the floor. Bathe the kids. Brush the kids’ teeth. Check their backpacks. Sign the school forms. Pay the bills. Faculty meeting after school. Make sure the grass gets cut (at least we pay someone to do that). Take care of other yard maintenance. Make sure the kids have clothes and shoes that fit. Buy a present for the birthday party they have to go to. Get treats for the class party. Everyone needs costumes for Halloween. Cat needs flea medicine refilled. Can’t miss the bus again. Trash can to the curb on Monday. We are out of chicken nuggets again? Yes, I’ll read a book before bed. Must complete that curriculum thing for work. Oh, don’t forget parent-teacher conferences. Shit! I forgot to get a Christmas present for the teachers! I guess it will be a New Year present. Must fill out Valentine’s cards. Gotta grade that stack of essays. When is the last time I changed the sheets on the beds? Schedule dentist appointments and doctor checkups and vaccinations. Wait, have I been to the doctor or the dentist this year? How many months have I been wearing these contacts? Oh, hell, I don’t know. I can wait. Is this a panic attack or a heart attack? I don’t have time for this…
Please, if you know that a person needs help, please DO something and help them because knowing and doing are not the same thing.
The Cup 
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