Cup Status: Full of Love & Friendship
As an English teacher, I teach my students about the plot triangle, the elements of a story, the types of conflict, different narrative points of view, the different types of characters, etc. When we get to the discussion of characters, I ask them to distinguish between the protagonist and the antagonist, between the supporting characters and the background characters; it is usually easy to tell the difference. The reason for this is that the protagonists and the antagonists usually steal the show. They are the ones “authoring the story” and advancing the plot through action and conflict. The supporting and background characters are the ones helping the action to occur and making the scenes make sense and feel fully fleshed out and realistic. It was interesting for me when I, recently realized just how much the lessons of the classroom crossed over into my “real life” in a profound and meaningful way. This aha moment occurred when I was reading the novel The Sky is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson, and I came across this passage: “This is our story to tell. He says it in his Ten Commandments way and it hits me that way: profoundly. You’d think for all the reading I do, I would have thought about this before, but I haven’t. I’ve never once thought about the interpretative, the storytelling aspect of life, of my life. I always felt like I was in a story, yes, but not like I was the author of it, or like I had any say in its telling whatsoever. You can tell your story any way you damn well please. It’s your solo.” What struck me so much about this quote is that, even though I know I get to make the decisions for my life, I am an adult after all, I also feel like those decisions have to be made in a slim lane that has been created by my past decisions, by current circumstances, and by my ever-present feeling of being stuck.
When we are little, our parents or caregivers make the decisions for us. They direct our lives. As we get older, we take over that role more and more. In my case, I started making decisions for myself, routinely at the age of 9 following my parents divorce and then almost exclusively by 13 with the bulk of my independence coming when I had a job at the age of 16. In a way, I skipped the be a teenager and make mistakes phase and was an “adult” from a much younger age than I should have been. It felt like my life was being written for me by circumstances outside of my control. This snowballed into my college years when I was on my own and trying to navigate an adult world that I did not fully understand. I was trying to be the protagonist, but made some terrible antagonistic decisions. I created a financial mess for myself at the tender ages of 18-20 that still follows me in my 40s today. If I could go back and rewrite many of the decisions that I made now that I am a much wiser editor, I would. But unfortunately, I can’t. So, instead of being the protagonist of my current life, I find myself being a supporting character of the dreams of my children and of the lives of my family and of my friends. I cheer on my sister when she completes a project in her beautiful home, when she stands up for something that she believes in, for raising strong daughters, for taking care of others when they can’t take care of themselves. She is so strong and does amazing work and deserves the praise. She is writing her own story. I cheer on my friend who is the most hilarious person I know, who cares deeply for those she loves, and who had the courage to move to a new state and build her dream home so that she could live the life she wanted. Without you, I would not laugh until I cry nearly enough. She deserves the praise. She is writing her own story. I cheer on my sister who works in a low-paying environmental job that is funded by donations because that is her dream job and because she loves what she does. She deserves the praise. She is writing her own story. I cheer on my friend who is unapologetically herself. She speaks her mind, she works hard for what she believes in, she loves fiercely, and she is one awesome woman to have in my life. She deserves the praise. She is writing her own story. I cheer on my children who are each writing their own stories. They are building their personalities and finding their interests and making friends and exploring life. They are making mistakes and learning from them. They aren’t jaded yet. They are beautiful. They deserve the praise. They are writing their own stories. I cheer on my friend who is a beautiful soul, a caring friend, an amazing mother, and a dedicated educator; she makes my life better just because she is in it. She deserves the praise. She is writing her own story. These are just a few of the awesome people I am so happy to cheer on and to praise because they deserve it so very much. But, as an introverted, Hufflepuff of a person, I need to remind myself that I was meant to not only be a supporting character in the lives of others, but that I also need to be the story teller of my own life. Right now, my life story feels a bit like this: She did laundry and graded papers and cooked a mediocre dinner because she was tired and had a headache again. She snapped at her kids because she was exhausted. All of her energy was sapped at her job teaching all day because she poured 200% of herself into that. When she came home, there was nothing left to give. After everyone was fed and the backpacks gone through and the lunches made and the clothes set out for the next morning and the kids put to bed, she took a hurried shower and fell into bed to start again the next day. She had intended to work on her novel or do yoga or maybe take a walk in the “very walkable neighborhood” she moved into two years before, but had so far only taken 5 walks in (2 of which were during trick-or-treating). Maybe her story can begin tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she will be the protagonist. But, so far, tomorrow never comes. It gets cut in the revision stage.
There is another quote that has stood out to me from the first moment I heard it. It is about this same topic and is spoken between the characters of Arthur and Iris in the movie The Holiday. Every time I watch this movie, this line hits me like a punch to the gut. The lines are:
“Arthur Abbott: Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.
Iris: You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake!”
When will I learn how to be the leading lady of my own life? There are things that I want to be able to do, but I keep making excuses: I will never have the money, I don’t have the time, I’m not good enough, I have no idea how to do that, I’m not good enough, that’s too hard to do without help and I can’t ask so and so because they are too busy, I’m not good enough, I can’t do that while the kids are with me and I can’t ask someone to watch them, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough…I’ll never be enough. So, instead of pursuing my dreams of being a writer, I let the countless stories swirl in my head, alight for a moment, and then take flight again. When I can make the time, I find a writing outlet here, but I don’t know that I have the chops as a writer to earn money from it. To make it my living. I am too scared to let others see my fiction. Will it confirm what my low self-image already tells me? I don’t know and part of me doesn’t want to know and so I don’t try for anyone but me.
However, I too dream and I too want to be the leading lady and the protagonist. I don’t want to always be the supporting character and the cheerleader. I want things too. But, I am stuck in a financial situation that keeps me limited. I have some amazing people in my life who have the view that if you want something, just make it happen. Find the money. There is always a way. I would like that, if I wasn’t searching my car and couch cushions every month to make ends meet. Then there are those who quit their main jobs to work on the dream. I see it all the time on Food Network and HGTV and other reality TV shows. I would give anything to devote my time to my writing and to pursuing becoming an editor for a publishing company, but I can’t not pay bills. My family depends on me. So, I am doing my best in this two job economy to squeeze it all in with no energy to accomplish it all.
I so desperately want to write this story: She completed her first novel and had it published. It sold many copies which caused a demand for more. She then devoted her writing time to completing the series which became a beloved favorite of many. With this initial love of her writing, she was able to leave her teaching job, which was a difficult decision, in order to write full time. With this change she was able to devote more time to her health and turned around many of her health issues including her chronic migraines and her diabetes. She was able to spend more quality time with her children and take them on fun outings on the weekends. She was able to finally learn how to successfully make bread and pasta from scratch and to make and can her own jam. For funsies, she even learned to line-dance, which is something she has wanted to learn since the 90’s. With the proceeds from her amazing book sales, she purchased a home in Galveston, TX because it is one of her favorite places to vacation. And, just because she believes in helping others, she opened up a thrift store where prices are reasonable and the merchandise is awesome!
This story, though it is lacking development and is just in the planning stages, sounds wonderful to me. It is a story where I am the author and decide what comes next. My circumstances and consequences of choices made do not get to have such power over me. I get to call the shots based on what is best for me not because it is the only option. I get to make decisions based on money in the bank and not based on the coins left in my wallet. I get to use my ingenuity for creating art and not for getting by until payday. This version of me is out there somewhere. Just over the horizon when the current troubles are over. When I have the ability and the breathing room to make decisions again. Until then, I will keep trying to type and hit backspace or delete until the timing is right.
Leave a Reply