The Cup

Sometimes in life, the cup is half-empty, sometimes it is half-full, sometimes it runneth-over, and sometimes it is bone dry. I’d like to say it is all in a person’s perspective, but I don’t really believe that. I do, however, believe that sometimes, life hands a person a set of circumstances and those circumstances define themselves and all the person can do is deal with the cup they are dealt. That is not always a negative thing, but it is not always positive either. It all depends on what is in the cup and what you do with it.

Tag: mental-health

  • Post #26: 9/26/26: Approach With Caution

    Post #26: 9/26/26: Approach With Caution

    Cup Status: Varies by the Day

    So, you know those “Proceed with Caution” signs that someone puts up whenever there is a situation that might be dangerous if a person were to drive too fast, or not wear protective gear, or not hide fast enough when Auntie Margie approaches during a holiday gathering? Well, lately, I have been the person who needs to wear an “Approach with Caution” sign.

    There are some days when I am a ray of sunshine. I am well-balanced and am handling life well, and then there are days when I am overwhelmed by everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING!!! That piece of hair that will not stay out of my eye. That weird sound that keeps coming from…somewhere. The glare from the window in my classroom that keeps temporarily blinding me when I bend my head a certain way. The way my shoes fit today, and my bra, and why did I pick this shirt? Yes, I have a pencil for you, and no, you don’t have to ask to go to the restroom; just fill out a pass and go. Of course, I will repeat the directions again. I will respond to your e-mail even though I already answered your question three different ways. Why is the soda machine out of Diet Coke, and what the heck is that smell????

    Breathe! Remember your mindfulness reading that you did this summer. “Breathing in, I calm myself. Breathing out, I feel at ease.”

    Bologne.

    Some days.

    Other days, it works and helps to calm me down and bring me back to the moment.

    I really do love the beginning of the school year. Everything is new and fresh. It is the time to get to know my new students, to establish routines, to reacquaint myself with my coworkers, to breathe in the smell of new books, to open packages of new office supplies; it is Teacher Spring! But then, I come home, and I am exhausted. My husband is exhausted. My kids are exhausted. I try my best to meal prep and prepare crockpot meals and sheet pan dinners and make a breakfast casserole for the week, etc. I try to do all of the laundry over the weekend and get outfits set out and ready for the whole week. I try to make time at night to talk to each of my kids about their day and to my husband about his. Then, when I can squeeze it in, I clean up bits of the house here and there, doing my best to get the rest of the house involved and seeing how much I failed to establish home routines in my attempts to make the week easier (I’ll just do it myself, it will be quicker! What a lie we tell ourselves). Then I spend my weekend doing all of the chores and eventually resenting my family, who are enjoying their weekend. So, it builds and builds inside until I blow up. The caution sign goes on in bright flashing neon, and no one can come near mama for a few hours because she has gone nuclear-level angry. It isn’t fair to me, and it isn’t fair to them.

    I have sat down countless times and tried to apply my teacher skills to my home. I have made chore wheels and sticker charts and lists of necessary tasks to keep the household running and then matched them with the ages and abilities of the people in the house, but no matter what program I try to start, it always falls flat because I am the only one enforcing it. Then, I am extra tired from trying to enforce systems that are made by me, taught by me, coached by me, enforced by me, and rewarded by me. I guess the bottom line for me is this: when do I get a break? When do I get the backup and support that I need so that I don’t blow up and fall apart and break? Because if I break, how will the house run without me? My rational brain knows that it will continue. Everything will be a mess. We will get ants and a rodent infestation and possibly roaches from the lack of cleaning. No one will ever have clean clothes. Dinner every night will be frozen pizza. No one will get to school on time because no one will go to bed at a reasonable hour. Things for school will fall through the cracks because no one will check backpacks or emails or respond to parent-teacher conference sign-ups or read library books and log them or set up IEP meetings and 3-year re-evaluations. School picture day will be just another day. No one will ever make it to a doctor or dental checkup. Vaccines will be out of date, and fluoride rinses will be a thing of the past. All will be mayhem and madness. Holidays will go undecorated and uncelebrated. No presents, and bright wrapping paper or bows. No cookies with frosting and sprinkles everywhere. No Halloween chili, Thanksgiving pies, Christmas Eve charcuterie, New Year appetizer spread, or Easter tapioca dessert. All will be sadness and plain.

    Some days I wonder if they even realize how much I do and how much weight it all puts on me. Some of the weight is light (decorating for holidays and carving pumpkins, for example), but it still has a time cost, and I am broke. I just wish, for once, that while I am making this thing called life happen, someone would see that I am slowly losing inches on my stature from all of the pressure to just survive. How will I make ends meet this week? How will we afford to fill our gas tanks? What will I put on the menu this week and how will we afford the grocery bill? And I am so tired of being a short-order cook. I don’t want to keep making three dinners every freaking night. Just eat what I make!!! (See, approach with caution). What do you mean we are out of chips for lunch? I bought the huge box. You ate 5 bags after school? That is not what those are for! (Approach with caution). You spilled red juice drink on my bed? Why were you drinking anything but water in a bedroom and why in MY BEDROOM??? What, was that? And the cat peed on my bed, again? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? (Approach with caution). I am so tired of cleaning up after other creatures. I love my kids and my cat with my whole heart, but I am not a maid for hire. Why are you so messy? Cat, there is no reason for you to pee on my bed. I am really sorry that summer is over and that I went back to work. I miss you too, but peeing on my bed is not a good way to work on our relationship.

    Breathe in.

    Breathe out.

    You are calm.

    You are calm.

    You are calm.

    You are not calm.

    You are about to lose your ever-loving mind.

    I wish that I could find some way to get all members of my house to see that we are a team and that we all live here, but it has proven so difficult. I am steering a ship with one oar, and I am tired, so for now, I guess people will have to continue to approach me with caution because I never know how I will respond to a situation despite my best efforts to be calm.

  • Post 25: 8/9/26 Knowing Versus Doing

    Post 25: 8/9/26 Knowing Versus Doing

    Cup Status: Empty

    Knowing something versus doing something are two different things. I know I need to eat fewer carbs to help keep my diabetes under control, but actually doing so requires me to consume less bread, fewer items that contain processed sugar, and fewer foods that are high on the glycemic index, etc. Just knowing that I should do so does not help my health. I can know that I should exercise in order to have a strong body, but if I never do something about it, then my treadmill will sit in the corner of the room gathering dust. I can know that I should not stick a fork in the electrical outlet, but if I do that very thing, I am likely to injure myself or even die. Knowing that I should not drink gasoline because it will poison me and then not doing so are…not the same thing. So, knowing something and doing something are not the same. See a pattern? I can know or understand something, and I can take that knowledge and understanding and take action based on it and do something, and then there is a connection between the two. However, until the action is taken, the knowledge is, in essence, ineffective, impotent, moot.

    So much of my life I battled feelings of self-worth. I have fought with my internal demons telling me that I wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t pretty enough. That no matter how hard I worked or tried, I would not amount to anything. It didn’t help that I had a horrible stepdad who said similar things to me or said them loud enough during fights with my mom that I could hear them. My personal favorite was, “She is so fat and ugly that no one will ever love her.” That was a real gem that still rolls around in my brain from time to time. I may be a bit on the chubby side, but I am not ugly, and I am loved, so he can suck it. Then there was the principal at my first teaching job, who, rather than support me during a difficult time, told me that some people weren’t cut out to be teachers and that he knew of one who quit teaching after the first semester and went to be a dishwasher in a restaurant. Guess who left his job as principal at semester? Him. Guess who is still teaching? Me. Anywho…Then there was the horrible department head who never supported me and accused me of not grading essays, but just assigning grades to them without actually reading them, and many other false accusations, none of which were true. She told administration that I was a terrible teacher and needed to be let go. I wasn’t fired, btw. Funny how, when put into a supportive environment with good leadership, I was able to shine. I give these somewhat petty examples to say that I battle with feeling like I am not lovable and like I am not a good teacher, etc. I know that that is not true, but these are falsehoods that I fight internally every day, and these three examples aren’t the only ones that I could give. There are more private ones that I am keeping to myself. So, when someone knows ways to love me and take care of me and chooses to do little about it, it brings up these feelings all over again. Am I worthy? Am I loved? Do I matter? To them…

    You see, my love language is acts of service. This is how I show love. I take care of people. I want to be taken care of. But when I am stressed, I hide under a rock in my cave of solitude and pretend life doesn’t exist. It’s a very healthy way to deal with stress, actually. Just binge-watch TV and eat Cheetos and tell the stress to go away. Right? Right. No, really, when I get stressed, I push off all responsibility except what is necessary for survival and go into lockdown mode. It isn’t a pretty sight. I am functioning on the outside, but on the inside I am frozen, and I need help to make me function again, but when I see no “doing” going on around me and that it is all me again…I throw in the towel. What is the point in trying when it is just me…again…pick up the dirty clothes. The socks. The plates. The empty soda cans. The shoes. The dirty shirts flung over chairs. Do the dishes that didn’t get done last night. Make the menu. Go grocery shopping. Make dinner. Make the kids’ lunches. Set out their clothes. Do the laundry. Fold the laundry. Put the laundry away. Sweep the floor. Mop the floor. Vacuum the floor. Bathe the kids. Brush the kids’ teeth. Check their backpacks. Sign the school forms. Pay the bills. Faculty meeting after school. Make sure the grass gets cut (at least we pay someone to do that). Take care of other yard maintenance. Make sure the kids have clothes and shoes that fit. Buy a present for the birthday party they have to go to. Get treats for the class party. Everyone needs costumes for Halloween. Cat needs flea medicine refilled. Can’t miss the bus again. Trash can to the curb on Monday. We are out of chicken nuggets again? Yes, I’ll read a book before bed. Must complete that curriculum thing for work. Oh, don’t forget parent-teacher conferences. Shit! I forgot to get a Christmas present for the teachers! I guess it will be a New Year present. Must fill out Valentine’s cards. Gotta grade that stack of essays. When is the last time I changed the sheets on the beds? Schedule dentist appointments and doctor checkups and vaccinations. Wait, have I been to the doctor or the dentist this year? How many months have I been wearing these contacts? Oh, hell, I don’t know. I can wait. Is this a panic attack or a heart attack? I don’t have time for this…

    Please, if you know that a person needs help, please DO something and help them because knowing and doing are not the same thing.

  • Post #22: 7/30/26: Do Whatever People Do In Maine

    Post #22: 7/30/26: Do Whatever People Do In Maine

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full

    Summer is winding down, and it is time to begin finishing up projects and preparing for the beginning of the next school year. I am both ready for routine and not excited to lose my freedom. I am enjoying sleeping as much as my body needs it, reading tons of books, and spending time with my family, although occasional breaks do us all some good. I am enjoying working in my garden and getting housework done in a reasonable time frame. But August first is just around the corner, and that is my self-imposed school prep time. So, for the next day, I will allow myself to continue working on the things for myself and my family that I want to. But after August first, I will begin working on curriculum planning again and prepping for the first few weeks of school. I like to have my ducks in a row so that I can walk into the building knowing what I need to copy and prep there, but not freaking out because I can’t remember my first unit. Lol! I think that part of my brain thrives on work and truly enjoys it. Even though the procrastination part of me will put things off during the school year to avoid the pain and suffering that it perceives the work will bring, in reality, it brings satisfaction and a reduction in stress. Brains are crazy.

    So, for now, as a reminder to myself, I have a passage from How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran that talks about the importance of living. By the way, if you haven’t read this book, it was so incredible, insightful, funny, and many more adjectives that won’t do it justice. Of all the books that I have read this summer by female authors, this one is at the top. Towards the end of the book, she talks about the importance of truly living. She says, “The real cost of living is dying, and we’re spending days like millionaires: a week here, a month there, casually spunked until all you have left are the two pennies on your eyes…Personally, I like the fact that we’re going to die. There’s nothing more exhilarating than waking up every morning and going, ‘WOW! THIS IS IT! THIS IS REALLY IT!’ It focuses the mind wonderfully. It makes you love vividly, work intensely, and realize that in the scheme of things, you really don’t have time to sit on the sofa in your undies watching Homes Under the Hammer.” When I read this section, it really struck home with me how much of my life I drag myself out of bed, exhausted, and I go about my daily routine as if I am just trying to get back to my bed. If by some miracle I take a nap or get time to sit watching mindless TV, then I feel happy for some downtime to take care of me. I feel guilty for these moments of “nothing” because there is so much “something” out there that I need to be doing or that I should be grateful for. I should be living loud and large and sucking the marrow from life and taking all it has to give, but sometimes I just don’t have the drive. So, while each day is closer to death, and I know that I am spending days like I have an infinite supply, I don’t know any other way it seems. With summer, I wile away the time doing not much and yet so much. When school starts, I accomplish more in one day than I do in an entire week during the summer. I am not sure which feels better to me. Which is more of an accomplishment? Does it matter? This summer I have been binge-watching Maine Cabin Masters, though not in my undies, just in my around-the-house clothes. I am dreaming of a road trip to see their HQ and to see Niagara Falls on the way. Our family would get their passports so that they can see the American and the Canadian side. My husband has friends in Montreal, and we would catch up with them and get to see the city they describe so lovingly. We will taste-test maple syrup and eat lobster, or whatever you do in Maine as a visitor in the summer. We are midwesterners, so this will be a whole new experience for us! I watch, and I dream. Then my daughter says she wants to go to Las Vegas because the Spy Ninjas HQ is there and she is a huge fan, so we Google Maps how long it would take to drive there. We then begin planning a dream trip to Las Vegas, complete with a visit to Spy Ninjas HQ, riding the gondolas at The Venetian, seeing the neon light museum, and other must-do Vegas things. Then, I think about how much I would love a condo on the water in Galveston, TX, my favorite place to vacation. Owning a piece of paradise on this island has been a dream of ours. My husband wants to own and run a radio station in Galveston, and we would have a condo, and we could stay whenever we wanted to. It would be awesome. When I mention these dreams to others, they say, ” So, go for it!” I say, “With what money?” They say, “If you want it bad enough, you will find a way.” I think life is short. How can we make this work? But I look at the bank account and the month and the money left, and I sigh. Today may be the day that I have, but it will be filled with travel dreams for now and curriculum planning for tomorrow. Maybe we will get to fulfill these dreams soon. One never knows. Till then, I will keep planning and dreaming.

  • Post #21: 7/4/26: Career and Creativity

    Post #21: 7/4/26: Career and Creativity

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full

    In a previous post, I wrote down a goal that I would like to become a writer who is able to support herself with her writing. Retirement from teaching is 9 years away, but I will be many years away from Medicare being accessible to me, so I do need to make financial plans for that future. But, the practical part aside, I enjoy writing. I write for fun, to get emotions out, to process my ideas, to create for my teaching career, and for creativity. It is this last one that has recently become a reminder to me of its importance. While reading Yes Please by Amy Pohler, I found so many ways to connect to the messages that she wove throughout her memoir. But there was one towards the end that really struck a chord with me. Pohler is comparing a career to a bad boyfriend and then she moves on to talking about the importance of creativity versus a career. I am not going to talk too much about my career in this post. I do believe that it is a noble one that is absolutely necessary and is something that I have given 21 years of my life to, so far, but for this post, I am going to focus mostly on what Pohler says about creativity, because some of what she says about a career can absolutely be applied to teaching as much as it can to the entertainment industry.

    Pohler says, “…let me make a distinction between career and creativity. Creativity is connected to your passion, that light inside you that drives you. That joy that comes when you do something that you love. That small voice that tells you, ‘I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.’ That is the juicy stuff that lubricates our lives and helps us to feel less alone in the world.” I am trying to tap more into my creativity. I am trying to use it to make a difference in my life and to increase my happiness quotient. I don’t have a lot of time right now for extended creative projects. My younger children can be a bit of a handful and it is summer, after all. But I have completed phase one of a fairy garden for my 6-year-old. I have planted and am tending a vegetable garden for my family. The daily harvest of zucchini, green beans, peppers, and lettuce has been so beautiful. The tomatoes and yellow squash are close to being ready for harvest, and the cucumber, broccoli, onions, strawberries, and pumpkins are growing and growing, getting ready for a harvest that is sure to come. The creativity I can use in nature makes me feel alive. I love when my hands are in the soil. I love to coax life from seeds and to benefit from the harvest. I love to plant flowers and see the explosion of color as the blooms burst free. This is what I am transforming my backyard into–the garden oasis I have always wanted. It is a creativity of its own.

    My second form of creativity is writing. I took a very long break from writing on this blog because of life circumstances. When I am depressed and overwhelmed, I default to hiding in my internal cave. I push away those things that make me happy. I do not know why I do this, but it is almost as if I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy in the midst of the darkness. But I am going to do my best to not fall back into that cave, that trap of my own creation. I am going to write to “lubricate my life” as Pohler says and to “help us [me] feel less alone in this world.” When I write, even if no one reads my posts, it helps me to feel like my feelings are out in the world and maybe my realizations and crazy aha moments might help someone else as well. If not, that is ok too, but at least it is helping me, and it is giving me a creative outlet for my words.

    I plan to extend my creativity to my career again soon enough, but with the renewed vigor of someone who has had the summer to rest. Teaching is indeed the career of creativity in the long-range planning and in the moment. It is a great mirror and a great collaboration of learning. It is output and reflection all at once. But when summer comes, my creativity gets to focus on me and my needs, and it is glorious.

    Besides talking about creativity, Pohler does make some interesting points about careers that I can’t not mention. She says, “I will say it again. Ambivalence is key. You have to care about the work, but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel but not about how good people think you are or how good people think you look…You will never climb Career Mountain and get to the top and shout, ‘I made it.’ You will rarely feel done or complete or even successful. Most people I know struggle with that complicated soup of feeling slighted on the one hand and like a total fraud on the other…Ambivalence can help tame the beast. Remember a career is a bad boyfriend. It likes it when you don’t depend on it. It will reward you every time you don’t act needy. It will chase you if you act like other things (passion, friendship, family, longevity) are more important to you.” I am not fully sure why this resonated with me so much, because I do not fully feel that teaching is a bad boyfriend, but I can say that there are days when I would like to be ambivalent and stop caring, to break up with it and find something new to fill my days. There are days when it feels like teaching takes and takes and takes and doesn’t care for my needs and when I try to find a better work-life balance, teaching reminds me that it is there with mountains of work to complete. Until I retire, my work will never be complete. I will not be able to climb career mountain and say that I have made it. I will be able to say that I did my best, despite sometimes feeling like an absolute fraud with imposter syndrome. I will always care about my work AND the outcome. I can’t not think about the results, so ambivalence, on the whole, cannot be key for me. I will do my best to not worry about what others think about me and to infuse as much of my creativity and passion into my career as I can because that is where the joy is. Teaching is most definitely a “complicated soup of feeling” but with the reminder from “That small voice that tells you, ‘I like this. Do this again. You are good at it. Keep going.’” I don’t need others to tell me that I am a good teacher, but I do need to remind myself that when things get difficult, I must lean into my creativity and not default to the status quo for survival. This is my goal. Lean into the creative and be ambivalent about the things that don’t matter. The noise from the government, society, and even some people I care about. I must remember to be passionate. To be a light for myself and others as I move forward and do my best to stay out of my cave. It is the best way to fill my cup.

  • Post #20: 7/3/26: Strive to be Happy

    Post #20: 7/3/26: Strive to be Happy

    Cup Status: 3/4 Full

    As I have continued with my reading of books written by women about their own lives, I picked up Mostly Sunny by Janice Dean. I will fully admit that I had no idea who Janice Dean was before I read this book. I saw it at a discount bookstore, and I liked the title. I totally choose books based on titles and covers, all the time. I found her life story about her career very interesting. She began in radio, and since my husband has been in radio since he graduated from high school, I found her beginnings to be kind of cool. She made many references to people in the radio industry who my husband has also told me about. She mentioned radio technology that is currently sitting in my basement in various stages of working order. But, it turns out that the title is in reference to both her outlook on life and her current career as a meteorologist. I would like to think that I too have a mostly sunny attitude when it comes to life, but I am certain that my outlook leans more towards partially cloudy with some sun peeking through from time to time. While I found the book to be interesting overall, it was really the poem that she included in the end that spoke to me. She said that her father had given it to her when she was a child. The poem is called “Desiderata: Words for Life” by Max Ehrmann. It was published in 1927, but in the book, Dean calls it the “Desiderata of Happiness.” Here it is:

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
    As far as possible without surrender
    be on good terms with all persons.
    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even the dull and the ignorant;
    they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
    they are vexations to the spirit.
    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain and bitter;
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

    Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
    it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
    Exercise caution in your business affairs;
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals;
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself.
    Especially, do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.

    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.

    The first step I took when reading this poem was to look up the definition of “Desiderata.” dictionary.com says it is, “things wanted or needed.” Merriam-Webster.com defines it as “something desired as essential.” Looking at these definitions, I see that this poem is a list of things that are essential, wanted, or needed. If I go with Dean’s title, it is for happiness. If I go with the poem’s title, it is for life. Happiness and life. Two important aspects of the human experience, and by life I don’t mean breathing and being alive. I mean truly living. Experiencing life. Loving every minute of it.

    As the English teacher that I am, I will simplify this poem for myself so that I can see the bones of it, the structure, the “what” I am supposed to gain from its words.

    Stanza One:

    Go placidly (peacefully, calmly) though life

    Remember the peace of silence

    Be on good terms with all people

    Do not surrender

    Speak your truth

    Listen to others

    Stanza Two:

    Avoid aggressive people

    Do not compare yourself to others

    Enjoy your achievements

    Enjoy your plans

    Stanza Three:

    Be interested in your career (it has great worth in an uncertain world)

    Be cautious in business

    Do not be blind to virtue and high ideals (high moral standards)

    There are heroes in the world

    Stanza Four:

    Be yourself

    Do not pretend to like/love someone

    Do not be cynical (distrustful) about love

    Love is perennial (enduring)

    Stanza Five:

    Accept the wisdom of growing older

    Grow strong in spirit for tough moments.

    Do not imagine bad things in the future.

    Fear comes from being tired and lonely.

    Be disciplined in life.

    Be gentle with yourself.

    Stanza Six:

    You have great importance.

    You have a right to be alive.

    Everything is happening as planned.

    Stanza Seven:

    Be at peace with a higher power.

    Have peace in your soul.

    Stanza Eight:

    The world is beautiful despite all of the negative.

    Be cheerful (full of good spirits).

    Strive (devote great energy to) to be happy.

    The Big Ideas of the Poem:

    peace with others

    peace with higher power

    peace with self

    truth

    acceptance

    self-acceptance

    self-discipline

    self-importance

    wisdom

    work

    right to live

    gentleness

    beauty

    love

    cheerfullness

    happiness

    enjoyment

    After breaking down the poem into these big ideas, it is a simple, yet profound list. Some seem easier than others to accomplish, but it is clear how all of these ideas fit together to form a full and happy life.

    The list begins with peace, and I can think of no better way to soothe the soul than to have peace. Of the three in the list, peace with self is the most important to me. If I do not have peace with myself, then I cannot possibly have peace with anyone else. Peace with myself means accepting myself, flaws and all. It means being ok with not being perfect. It means not using the word “should” about my life. It means not comparing myself to others and finding myself lacking. So many important lessons that have been learned through so many dark moments and lots of therapy. While peace with others is important, I have also come to the point in my life where I don’t need to please others. I don’t need to be accepted by others. I don’t need the validation of others to be valuable. I have decided to only bring people into my life who love me, positively challenge me, make me better, and accept me. I will no longer suffer the people who bring me down or make my life more difficult. This is not to say that I don’t pull my own weight. That I don’t support those around me. That I am cold or closed-off. The opposite is true. I love to help others. It is in my nature to be supportive and welcoming, but if I am burned, it is forever. I don’t have time in my life for purposeful hurt and hatefulness. Life is too short. Life is also too short to deal with the frustrations of church and a fickle higher power who may or may not care about me. I have also made peace with my relationship with God, which is to say that I have walked away from church and broken ties with that higher power. There are days when I miss the feeling of belonging that church youth group used to give me, but the amount of judgement and hurt that I have faced at the hands of so-called Christians is enough to wipe away anything positive. That part of my young, impressionable life was important for teaching me many life lessons, but I have made peace with where I am now. I no longer wear the title of Christian, and I have never been happier.

    Beauty is another element of the list that is so important to me. I find beauty in nature, in words, and in friendship. I love to be out in nature and am happiest when I am near water. If I could sit on the beach with the waves crashing near me and just breathe, that would be peace and paradise for me. Words swirl in my mind and jump out to me and stay with me in my soul. I read books and certain phrases stick with me. I hear songs and lines stay in mind forever. Language has always been a part of me. But the most beautiful thing in my life that I cherish on the same level as my family is my friends. I have been so lucky to meet the most amazing girls when we were in college in the early 2000’s. We met during marching band and all joined the same co-ed band fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi. We have been, at various times, roommates, bridesmaids, therapists, adventurers, shenanigan creators, and so much more. We have a daily group chat that keeps us connected. We can text any of us at a moment’s notice, and at least one of us will be there. We have seen each other through joy and sorrow and anger and fear. These women are my family, even more so than the ones I have by blood because we chose each other. And the beautiful thing is that we continue to choose each other over and over again. That is beauty and joy and happiness all wrapped together.

    With age has come some wisdom, but no matter how many years pass, I will still feel like a kid inside who is masquerading as an adult. How did I become an adult? How did I become the veteran teacher? How on earth did I get gray hair? Lol! But no matter how many years I have left on this earth, I will continue to strive to be happy.

    So, thank you to Janice Dean for introducing me to the “Desiderata: Words for Life” by Max Ehrmann and thank you to Max Ehrman for helping me to reflect on what I need to be happy. My personal list, my Desiderata of Happiness, is this:

    Accept and be at peace with myself

    Compare myself to no one, because I am me.

    Continue to find beauty in the little things.

    Make time for nature.

    Make time for friends.

    Make time for family.

    Make time for me.

    Do the things that I enjoy.

    Only allow in those things and people who make my life better.

    Focus on health, not being skinny.

    Block out the noise of life that is not helpful.

    Sleep is beautiful.

    Travel whenever possible.

    Experience new things.

    Always remember when trials happen, this too shall pass.

    These are the things that I will hold onto with all that is in me. With the conviction that I have learned from one of my favorite writers, Annie Dillard. In one of my favorite essays, “Living Like Weasels,” she says, “We could, you know. We can live any way we want…I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death, where you’re going no matter how you live, cannot you part.” This is a Desiderata. To live any way that we want. To live for the essential. The necessary. Life. Happiness. Me.

  • Post #18: 6/15/26: Yes, Please.

    Post #18: 6/15/26: Yes, Please.

    Cup Status: 1/4ish Full and Adding More Each Day

    The further away from the end of the school year that I move, the fuller my cup is getting. I need time to rest and to take care of the many delayed projects around my house and the cleaning needs that have been put off and put off. I need time to sit and to relax, to nap, and to watch a variety of shows on HGTV and Food Network. I need time to get back to meal planning and menu-making, moving beyond daily food survival to actual planning for taste and time and enjoyment. I need time to implement projects and put sweat equity and creativity and my own personal touches into my home instead of imagining what they will look like when they are finished. I need time to decide I like my job again and to remember that I love my family and to remember that they are not just a part of my daily checklist of responsibilities and tasks to take care of before I finally get to, mercifully, fall into bed. I need time to enjoy the outdoors and complain about the heat and feel the dirt in my hands and watch my garden grow and say things to my children such as, “Please stop telling your sister that the skin walkers are going to get her if she doesn’t stop spraying you with the hose.” AND “Please stop calling your brother a gremlin and chasing him around the house with bright pink lipstick.” AND, to my oldest child, “Oh, you are alive. I thought that you had become a vampire. Nice to see you awake before four PM.” I really do love summer. I have grad classes I need to be working on and curriculum that I need to be updating, but for now, just for now, I am taking a well-deserved break.

    While on that break, I have read two books that have been on my list for quite some time (I’ve actually read more than two books thanks to the wonderful world of audiobooks, but my focus is on these two in particular). One is Bossypants by Tina Fey and the other is Yes, Please by Amy Poehler. While reading both of them, I laughed out loud many times, which caused those around me to look at me strangely, as I often read in public places to pass the time. I was moved by endearing family stories, and I felt the connection to these two women as they described their awkward childhood selves. I listened to the tales of their career journeys and the outlook that they both have towards life, love, and work. I read about their experiences with motherhood and their husbands and the expectations society puts on women. And, I laughed. I contemplated. I was righteously angry. I wished I had a pen or pencil with me so I could make notes in the margins. But, most of all, I saw two women who told about their lives and, I believe, hoped someone would take something away from the experience of spending several hours with them during the reading journey. I am happy to say that I did. I wish that I could say that I connected with both women equally, but that is not the case. The titles of each book alone will tell anyone who knows me which person I identified with more. Here’s a hint: after many quiz retakes on Pottermore, I am indeed a Hufflepuff. If I were on the trip to Mordor in Lord of the Rings, I would be Samwise Gamgee. In the world of Myers-Briggs, I am an INFJ. The Advocate. I will ask for what I want and need, but it will be accompanied by a “please” or “if that’s ok” or something along those lines, and what I need usually is because someone else really needs it too, and I am just the one who asks for the good of the group. That’s me. So, Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” style didn’t fit me entirely, but there was one section in particular that did speak to me deeply. It is the section on the rules of improv. I am pretty sure that this section spoke to me for two reasons. 1. I am a teacher and teaching is a great game of both script and improv. I plan the broader strokes of the lesson, and then the minutiae fill themselves in as the students need them to be filled in and as their unique class and individual personalities add to it. I really think that teachers are great improvisers, but we can only be that way if we have a rock-solid plan in place first. Seems like a paradox, doesn’t it? 2. I used to be an icredibly structured, organized, difficult to get along with, has to be my way type of person. I now know this was because I needed control over my situation due to a severe lack of control over many traumatic events earlier in my life, but at the time I was a total bitch to live with. I am truly amazed that I have friends from that period of my life who still love me. Mini-soapbox: Therapy is wonderful. I believe that everyone can benefit from therapy. Please try to attend therapy if at all possible. It changed my life for the better.

    Back to what I was saying before. So, Tina Fey’s “The Rules of Improvisation That Will Change Your Life and Reduce Belly Fat” really struck a chord with me, but before explaining why, I have to address something that bothered me throughout the book. Fey mentioned weight several times. I understand the struggle with weight. I really, really do. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. I also understand using humor and comedy as a coping mechanism or a way to address a difficult topic, but there were several moments, such as this title, that the weight reference didn’t seem necessary. It felt like a laugh grab, and I didn’t laugh…But, again, back to my main points. Fey says the first rule of improv is to, “…Agree. Always agree and SAY YES.” Now, it may not always be wise to agree and say yes, but Fey clarifies this point when she says, “…obviously in real life you’re not always going to agree with everything. But the Rule of Agreement reminds you to ‘respect what your partner has created’ and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where it takes you.” This is such wise advice. If everyone would keep an open mind and would listen to others and see what it is that they are trying to create, the end product could be something wonderful. However, too often, we are thinking about what we are going to say or do next, so when we do speak or act, it doesn’t make any sense or connect in any way to what is currently happening or currently needed in a situation. For example, in education right now. Schools need support and funding from the government at the state and the federal levels, but instead of helping to solve the problems in the public school system, funding is being cut and redirected elsewhere. Teachers and students are setting the scene; the needs are obvious, but the reaction from the scene partner doesn’t make any sense in the context of what has already been established. There is no rule of agreement between the players, and therefore the scene has stalled. Another example of this in the classroom is when a student has a clear need. That need might be a need for clarification or a lack in pre-requisite/foundational knowledge. If the teacher misses the cue or misinterprets the cue or responds in exactly the same way that they already have, the learning will stall. The scene will end, and no one will be the better for it.

    The second rule of improv is “…YES, AND. You are supposed to agree and then add something of your own.” For a teacher, this rule is beautiful. I am handed state standards, and I have a curriculum that I have a hand in helping to create from district-approved materials, but I still get to be the AND. There are elements of my job that I have to say “Yes” where there is little wiggle room, but the AND is where I get to shine. This is where I get to use the strategies and techniques that will spark engagement instead of boredom. This is where I will attempt to make the dry material interesting. This is also where I ask my students to be the AND. With their learning, I already expect them to say “Yes,” but to engage in the material and to make it their own, to increase the rigor and the understanding, they need to add to it, to level up. A +1 if you will (Thank you, John Antonetti, for teaching me this move). Tina Fey explains this rule further when she says, “…YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. It’s your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.” It is this idea of fear that often holds people back from contributing, from taking a risk, from believing that they have anything worthy of contribution. This is what needs to be changed in education and in the classroom today. As a Hufflepuff, risk-taking is not my forte, but I do my best to push against the boxed expectations to seek the “why” of what I am being asked to do. I am always all in for my students, but when it comes to directives and mandates from on high, I often turn the question to them: Yes, and…how will I be supported? Yes, and…how is this beneficial to my students? Yes, and…will this replace something on my plate or add another precarious piece to the pile? So, say YES, AND add to the conversation, ask questions, be the spark of creativity or change, or at least make a big enough fuss that people ask if the whiny girl might have a point.

    The third rule of improv is to “MAKE STATEMENTS. This is a positive way of saying ‘Don’t ask questions all the time.’…In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.” I hate to admit that my initial reaction to anything new that is going to be a challenge is to get irritated and then angry. I know that this happens because I am embarrassed by my lack of understanding and knowledge and because I do not like to be vulnerable in front of other people. Notice that I said, “In front of other people.” If I can work by myself with a set of directives or with a general direction or idea, I can explore and mess up and get lost and find my way back multiple times. I can get lost in the messiness of learning and discovery. Then, when I am confident that I have figured out the base needs of the situation or how to use the new program or whatever the situation calls for, that is when I am ready to collaborate. That is when I am ready to offer solutions to problems or to work with others to figure out how best to address a problem. This is because I have already struggled with it on my own and worked out somewhere between 3-10 potential options. I am now ready to run those ideas by someone and to get feedback and to hear their ideas and to give them feedback and for our ideas to blend or to throw out the bad ones and stick with the good ones, etc. I am not good at showing my “messy” at being in the midst of my questions. My insecurities and my need to process things over time and not in the moment are often the culprit for my knee-jerk reactions. I am a definite introvert. When I feel comfortable and safe with a person, then I can make statements. Then I can offer my solutions and defend them. I get flustered when I am grilled on the spot about a problem that needs a solution, unless it is a problem that I have previously encountered in some similar iteration. This is why, as mentioned earlier, teaching is a great game of improv, but for me, it is only great when it is blended with a well-planned-out lesson as well. I want to be able to make statements more often, but when I am pushed before I am ready or before I have figured it out for myself, I will only be capable of pointing out obstacles. It is my negative default, and I do not like it. However, once I am comfortable working with someone and I have built up a certain level of trust and understanding with them, then I can embrace this rule as well.

    Rule number four of improv comforts me because “THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities.” Even though there is comfort in this thought, I still must say in a melodramatic voice, “Alas, if only this were the case!” I have made plenty of mistakes as a teacher and as a co-worker. I have reacted too quickly to a student and misread a situation. I have gotten angry and flown off the handle during a meeting, only to be extremely embarrassed by my behavior later. I have gotten to school in the morning thinking that I had everything ready for the day only to realize that I had forgotten something very important. I have been so openly myself at times that I realized I probably should have reined the girl in just a bit. Each of these examples, vague as they are, is definitely an example of opportunities for reflection and growth. For connection with others and with myself. No one person is perfect, and teachers are no exception. It sure seems like society believes teachers should be perfect or that teachers should be held to a higher standard than people in other professions, but at the end of the day, teachers are regular people who are doing their best amidst the struggles and triumphs of daily life. So, while there may be opportunities in our actions, we wouldn’t have gotten there without the mistake first.

    So, teaching is a game of improv that also has a plan, but ask any experienced teacher if every single day of the school year followed the lesson plan as it was intended, and I can guarantee they will say no. I am even willing to bet that the majority would say that less than half of their plans went exactly the way they had wanted them to. But ask them if a good portion of those days went even better than they had imagined, and I also bet that a good many of them will say yes. We can’t always plan the good, and we can’t always predict the bad, but what we do with both when they arise is what really matters. I just wish that this grumpy introvert could be alone each time a tidal wave of change hits so that she can process her emotions in real time without an audience, but I’m pretty sure that I picked the wrong career for that.

  • Post #16: 6/1/26: Toil and Trouble

    Post #16: 6/1/26: Toil and Trouble

    Cup Status: Empty, Not Even a Drop.

    So, it has been quite some time since I have posted. There were days when it ached not to write. There were other days when I was too exhausted to remember to write. Then there were days when I didn’t feel anything at all. When I think back on the last 6 months, I have been pretty absent from my own life. Trying to keep my head, and the heads of my four family members, above water will do that to a person. I have always been a nose-to-the-grindstone kind of person, but when we couldn’t pay our bills and couldn’t afford food for our children, things had to rapidly change. So, in October, I applied for a second job. This was after months of crunching the numbers and selling things and calling creditors and asking for an extension and trying to hide my growing panic from everyone who loves me. I know what some of you might be thinking. Wow, a second job. That isn’t that heroic. People do this all the time. True, and I am not negating that, but for me, this was, and continues to be, a very large sacrifice of time. I am an English teacher who teaches daily and who grades for hours. Yes, after 21 years, I have mastered the art of grading as quickly as possible, but when you have 150 students, assignments and essays still take time, and I mean HOURS of time FOR WHICH WE DO NOT GET PAID BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TIME IN THE CONTRACTED DAY TO GET IT ALL DONE IN THE EXPECTED TIMELY MANNER. So, I grade on my couch while holding my children. I grade in my bed while trying to stay awake. I take my grading to my second job and grade during my breaks. This has brought some camaraderie to my second job as I get many offers to help and jovial suggestions of what comments to leave. I just love that I am completing work for one job at my other place of work. Shrug and sigh, but this is because I get things done. To my own detriment at times.

    Well, back in October, I was hired to work at Walmart in my small town. I quickly learned that I would be working with many former students and several current students. What a strange place to be where some called me by my first name while others called Ms. T. Then people I didn’t know before working there called me Ms. T just because some of the teenagers did. It was kind of funny. I just started to respond to anything that sounded like it was aimed at me, as long as it wasn’t insulting. If it was, I yelled something equally fun back…just kidding…unless it was an adult whom I did not know in any educational way. I appreciated this job for many reasons. I didn’t have to be in charge of anything or anyone. I could just show up, work hard, and go home. What a novel concept. I could joke around with people and be a little bit more of myself, as long as the current students weren’t there…awkward…I could listen to audiobooks while working since I don’t work in a customer-facing position. I have finished 39 books this calendar year so far! But, as I worked 4-6 days a week, my body began to protest. Then my mind. I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t focus. Then, my emotions went crazy. I was angry and emotional and irrational and laughing and crying all in the same 15-minute span. Things were not working, but I was bringing in extra money that we so desperately needed. And, something unexpected happened during the first few months when I felt myself losing control of my life and my schedule. I was finding satisfaction in my Walmart job that I rarely (at least it feels like rarely) felt at my teaching job. A coworker would ask me how to do something and I would show them. Then they would do it correctly and tell me thanks! Then, they would be praised by the team lead for doing a good job that day or days or weeks later. I saw the immediate benefit of my teaching. In my classroom, I would often teach a student one-on-one and see them correctly understand and demonstrate that understanding of a concept to me and then get every response wrong on a formative assessment later that hour or the next class period. Barely any time had passed and they had already forgotten. What was the point? Why did I bother? (Now, this was not the case with every student, but you get the point). I would work hard during a 9-hour closing shift and at the end of the night, everything was done well. I knew that we had set the morning crew up for a successful opening shift. There was satisfaction in that. I knew that my work would benefit the next shift. But, at school, I can only hope that my students will remember what I teach them so that their teacher the next year will be set up for success as well. I can only hope…not know for sure. That is so disheartening.

    So, for months, Walmart took over my spare time. I barely saw my kids. I barely saw my spouse. My house fell apart. Forget meal planning. Forget getting my hair cut or painting my nails. Did I take a shower last night? I don’t remember; I was so tired that I was lucky I took out my contacts before falling asleep. When was the last time I saw my family and friends? I don’t know. Then came the worst moment. Despite all of the extra hours, it wasn’t enough. We were still drowning in debt and could not take out any more small loans from companies like Affirm. We were nearing Christmas and were worried. I sent a text that I didn’t want to send. Not because I was scared or worried she would say no, but because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I had failed so badly. I had failed at being a provider. At being a mom. At being a wife. At being the person she had raised. How had I let things get this bad? Of course, no one expects to have their spouse experience a catastrophic medical event that almost takes their life and leaves them saddled with thousands and thousands in medical debt and the fallout that comes with that, but why hadn’t I made smarter choices? I should have saved more. I shouldn’t have bought this or that. I shouldn’t have done this or that. My mind swam with all of my failures and all of the choices that I had made that had led to the text that I was about to send. So, I took a deep breath and just asked my mom if she could please lend us money to buy the kids some Christmas presents because we couldn’t afford it that year despite our best efforts. Her response was beautiful. I will have some money in your account tomorrow and it is a gift and not a loan. And she did. More than we needed. What I hadn’t said, but what she had to have known, was that we really needed money for other things too. Food. Utilities. Gas for our cars. I ugly cried because of the love and the relief and because I knew that for that brief time, I didn’t have to be my own safety net. There were other amazing people who helped us through the holidays as well. I am so blessed to have friends who stepped in and gifted my family with presents and financial assistance just because they love us and because they are some of the most amazing and selfless people I know. Just to show that when life is darkest, the universe can send a surprise, my dad visited us one day after the holidays and surprised us with some vintage finds and with a check that he had no idea how much we needed. The day he gave it to us, we had $2 in the bank and needed to buy groceries and put gas in the car, and yes, Dad, we also put it towards a medical bill. Lol!

    I am amazed at how things sometimes work out and I am so grateful for those who think of us. I really hope that one day we will be in a position where we can help others like they have helped us. What I worry about is that we will never get there. It has been 6 months and we are still working from paycheck to paycheck. I am plugging away at Walmart and working this summer on completing some graduate classes so that I can move up the pay scale at school. While this blog is about me, Jamie has also been voice-tracking for different radio stations, some in this state, some out of state, and one in Canada. Shout out! If anyone out there needs an awesome voice-tracker with 27 years of radio experience in a variety of markets and musical genres who has a ridiculous amount of musical trivia at the ready, have I got a guy for you! Some days he completes three different morning shows before I even wake up. But, despite both of us working two jobs and bringing in what we can, we are no closer to moving past surviving. It is so frustrating, so I think I just have to use this place to write about that. To get it out. I have this sign in my room that says, “Live the Life You Imagined.” Well, the life I imagined, had no crazy amounts of debt, did not involve worrying about having enough food for the week, did not include not being able to afford shoes when my kids outgrow them, did not have me convincing my sons that long hair looks good on them because we can’t afford haircuts, did not involve me being angry and depressed all the time, and definitely didn’t have me looking up jobs other than teaching that teachers can do because I just don’t know if I can last another 9 years until retirement. It involves not being so tired that I don’t have the energy to play with my kids. It involves living beyond the lowest levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. There is no way a person can thrive when they are trying to survive every day. Sure, we have a nice home, but we are one bad illness from losing it. Sure we have internet and streaming services, but we are one missed check from losing those, same with the cell phones, same with the electric service and the water bill and the trash service. We own our cars and are hoping that we can make them last as long as possible. Come on 2016 and 2019! You can do it!

    We are rich in the ways that matter. We have amazing families and friends. Truly. There are no words to express how much we love our people. We are working for our health after a rough two years. All tests have been coming back with positive and improved results. We have healthy children who keep us active. We have jobs, even when they frustrate the crap out of us. At those jobs, we have amazing coworkers who put up with us and keep things interesting. And, my one time-consuming hobby, my summer garden, is looking promising. Here’s hoping that some cheap seeds will indeed produce a large harvest. Maybe all of this toil and trouble will have a large harvest too and maybe it will be a positive one, but for now, my cup is empty because I am too tired to go fill it up.

  • Post #14: 9/16/25: That’s Not My Job

    Post #14: 9/16/25: That’s Not My Job

    Cup Status: Empty

    I am a teacher and I am tired. Yes, the early mornings make me more tired than I was in the summer. Yes, fielding student questions and meeting individual needs all while staying on pace and keeping a smile on my face takes lots and lots of energy. Yes, grading pile after pile of paper and digital assignments takes lots of energy. Yes, even making matching outfits that are ironed and presentable takes a ridiculous amount of energy. The energy needed takes different forms: mental, emotional, physical, but I always manage to have enough for my students, my coworkers, my tasks, and sometimes myself.

    What I don’t have enough energy for are the attitudes in society that are aimed at teachers. It is exhausting reading headlines that say “Teacher Fired for Posting…” and “First Amendment Rights and Teachers…” and social media comments that say, “Teachers deserve to be fired if they say…” and “Teachers are supposed to be role models and shouldn’t…” and “Parents stalk their kids’ teachers online and can see…”. And the focus on teachers activities outside of the classroom, “Teacher seen drinking at…” and “Teacher seen Partially Clothed…” (when it was a bathing suit photo on the beach) and so many, many others. I am just so tired of seeing these headlines and comments and posts that focus on what teachers should and shouldn’t do. Who teachers should and shouldn’t be. It is so frustrating.

    Teaching is a profession. It is a career. It is a job. It is not a lifestyle. It is not who a person is. It is not where a person begins and ends. Yes, as a teacher, I love my career, at least most days. What I don’t love is society telling me what I can and can’t do and what I can and can’t say just because of my profession. And, recently, society has really been pushing what it believes teachers should and should not believe as well. But, I just can’t buy into this. Teachers are people with the same rights as others. If what they say and do outside of the classroom does not impact their ability to teach inside the classroom, then, as long as the actions and words are not illegal, it should not matter. Society needs to stop holding teachers to a higher standard than they do other people. Let’s just let people live and be who they are. We do not all have to agree. We can have different ideals and beliefs and religious preferences and political views and it is ok. That is what makes us individuals. We can chose to accept others the way they are and leave them alone because they aren’t who or what we want them to be. We can accept that people are one version of themselves (the professional version, perhaps) at work and another version of themselves (the personal version, perhaps) outside of work. And the beautiful thing is, that is ok.

    Teachers are not the fix-all for society and we are not the downfall either, but constantly standing up for my profession takes energy and it is exhausting. So, I am tired. Tired of being a teacher who is also a person who is worried about her future. Tired that, if I say or post the “wrong thing” or what someone perceives as the “wrong thing” that I can lose my job. So, right now, my cup is pretty empty and I am needing a little hope that society will change its attitudes towards teachers so that I can rest a little easier.

  • Post #11: 8/15/25: Champion of Sorts

    Post #11: 8/15/25: Champion of Sorts

    Cup Status: On Its Side and Spilling All Over the Counter

    Teacher tired. There is no other tired like it, except maybe new mom tired, but that is something else entirely. Lol! This week has been the back-to-school week for teachers at my school, and I have been able to get quite a bit accomplished. It has been nice to see my colleagues again. It has been nice to be back in my classroom again. It has been nice to be back in my element. The place where I feel like I know what I am doing. Where I can choose how I want things to go and how I am going to help my students accomplish the goals that I set for them. This is where I look at evidence based practices and effect sizes and differentiated instruction and collaborative learning versus direct/explicit instruction. This is where I speak the language of teaching with all of the alphabet soup with others who are fluent in the language as well. CSIP and MSIP and BSIP and MOI and EOC and JPS and MLS and all of the others. I have already consumed more coffee in one week than I have all summer. I have enjoyed many pastries and cookies that were thoughtfully given to the school for us to enjoy. So good!

    I am doing my best to go to sleep earlier, but it is so difficult to do. All I want to do is stay up late and continue my binge watch of Grey’s Anatomy. My body betrays me, though, and I feel like a zombie when I get home no matter how much I want to watch just one more episode. This back to school season is kicking my butt. I hope that as I get into the rhythm of the school year that my energy level can even out. I would like for my body energy to match my mental energy for the beginning of the school year. The problem is, I don’t have the energy to do the things that need to be done to help raise my energy level. I know what to do, but I do not have the drive to do it. Meal prep healthy meals. Work out. Go to bed earlier. Do not doom scroll on my phone. Reduce the amount of caffeine that I consume. Etc. That’s the thing about being an adult. In my work life, I am able to make decisions that help things to run smoothly, but in my personal life, it seems like I am unable to find the ability to function fully. I cannot find my element here. I pride myself on being so organized and a planner and all of that, but those skills shine at work and not so much at home. I feel a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. At work, I am a superhero of getting things done. At home, I struggle to get off the couch. I am an extroverted introvert at work. At home, I am a full on exhausted introvert.

    At work today, we listened to a motivational speaker talking about the importance of being “All In” in life and at work. We received a memento, a token, with the words printed on it. He suggested that we decide where we wanted to keep the token as a reminder of where we needed to be “All In”. I sat in the gym, listening, and realized that I am already “All In” at work. I give so much to my students and my work because that is where I currently find so much of my validation and get so many of my needs met. What I realized was, I am not “All In” at home. It isn’t because I don’t want to be. It isn’t because I don’t care. I love my family. I love my home. I love myself. But I am starting to think that energy is finite. I don’t like that one bit. Because if that is true, then I have to really make sure that I am not giving too much energy at work to the detriment of my home and the ones I love. My crazy grandmother once told me that she only had enough love for me and not my two siblings because she only had so much love to give and she had already given the majority of her love to her dogs and cats. This concept perplexed me so much. How can love be finite? That’s ridiculous. However, energy is finite and I need to find a way to generate more of it or at least to parse it out differently. More learning for me. You would think that life would not be this difficult to figure out, but it is. So, I think that I need to be “All In” to figure out how to to be “All In”. This wears me out just thinking about it. How does a person be “All In” in every part of their lives? I want to be, I just don’t know how.

  • Post #10: 8/7/25: Thriving on Stress

    Post #10: 8/7/25: Thriving on Stress

    Cup Status: Filling Up, But Confused About Why

    So, I’ve really been thinking lately about why I feel more comfortable and like myself when I am busy and have deadlines and am, for lack of a better word, stressed. Why is it that I seem to thrive on stress? Why is my baseline for normal filled with a racing heart, shallow breathing, a pounding headache, and reminders to just breathe? The closer I get to the start of school, the closer I get to all of the deadlines, the more alive I feel. This just feels weird. I was in a therapy session recently and my therapist gave me a deck of cards that had different words that represent needs on them such as “valued” and “loved” and “respected” and others such as “creative” and “financial security”. He asked me to organize them however I wanted to in order to categorize them to show where those needs are currently being met, at least according to me. I decided on three categories: family/home, friends, and work. I started putting cards in piles and it soon became apparent that I have most of my needs met at work. When I looked closer at the needs that are being met at work, I realized that many of them could, and probably should, be met in different ways in my personal life, if only I let them. But then, I hear my therapist saying, don’t should all over your life. So instead, I will say, that I will be finding other ways to meet the needs that work is currently the only place that is meeting them. For example, “creativity.” I used to love scrapbooking, but I haven’t done it in 15 years despite having all of the supplies to enjoy the hobby. “Growth” is another need that gets met at work, but at home, I am not sure where I can grow at home. I am looking for ways to do this, besides literally growing food in my garden. The problem is, shifting my mindset and trying to live this different way seems impossible. I don’t even know where to start or how to do this. So, I do what I do best and I start researching. As a starting point, here is what I have found so far thanks to the article “CALM IS A CHOICE – STRESS IS A CHOICE”(https://martawilson.com/calm-is-a-choice/), “The brain chemicals that generate enthusiasm for a challenge are different from those that generate fear of a threat. And in many cases, whether we experience enthusiasm or fear is a matter of choice. We can choose attitudes that challenge, motivate and mobilize us, and that bring out the best in us. In other words, we can circumvent the fight or flight impulse by choosing to feel neither. How? By changing how we think.” It’s that idea of choosing how to think that confuses me. We can choose a new attitude. But, sometimes when we are in the middle of the stressful situation or the challenge facing us is so daunting, that can seem impossible. It is, however, something that I am going to actively try because I hope to get to where this next portion describes, “Eventually, we learn how to choose so our bodies don’t click into a fight or flight response at all. When we take responsibility for our assumptions, we begin to break the cycle of stress and become free to face seeming threats with energy and enthusiasm. What’s required is a conscious mental shift in how we view our world. What’s required is a change in attitude.” Not everything requires fight or flight. I need to remember that. A challenge can be exciting. It doesn’t have to soul crushing or migraine inducing, right? This will definitely be an uphill climb, but I am going to try to begin it with a positive attitude.