The Cup

Sometimes in life, the cup is half-empty, sometimes it is half-full, sometimes it runneth-over, and sometimes it is bone dry. I’d like to say it is all in a person’s perspective, but I don’t really believe that. I do, however, believe that sometimes, life hands a person a set of circumstances and those circumstances define themselves and all the person can do is deal with the cup they are dealt. That is not always a negative thing, but it is not always positive either. It all depends on what is in the cup and what you do with it.

Author: Tanya Turner

  • Post #17: 6/5/26

    Post #17: 6/5/26

    Cup Status: Empty, but Trying to Catch a Few Dew Drops

    The last few weekends, once spring began and the danger of frost had ended, I began working on my garden. I removed debris such as leaves left from fall and any weeds that had made it past my weed barrier. I retilled the soil and added my special plant fertilizer. I then replaced the weed barrier and carefully, almost reverently, placed my baby plants into their new homes. For the plants that I was starting from seed by direct sowing into the ground, I dug small holes to the specifications of each type of plant and placed a few seeds into each prepared hole. I watered the baby plants and seeds, then I took a deep breath, and I hoped. I hoped that the time I put into preparing the soil was time well spent. That each obstacle removed would ensure a healthy harvest. That the fertilizer I added would nourish each plant as it grew and bore fruit for my family. That each seed and plant would have such a harvest that my family would be able to feast all summer and into the fall with plenty left over to freeze for the winter. This was my hope as I toiled in my garden over several spring weekends.

    Hope is the one emotion, the one concept, the one life raft that keeps people going during difficult times. During times when it feels like the end of the difficulties isn’t in sight and never will be. When it feels like all of the resourcefulness and the ingenuity and the creativity have been used up.

    Emily Dickinson reminds me that

    “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers –
    That perches in the soul –
    And sings the tune without the words –
    And never stops – at all -“

    Hope never stops. It continues on beyond everything else. It takes up residence in our soul and continues singing for us even when we cannot sing for ourselves. Even when there are no words. Hope remains. I don’t know how it remains, but it does.

    Barack Obama reminds me that

    “Hope- Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope. In the end, that is…The belief that there are better days ahead.”

    To continue to hope when life is constantly throwing obstacles in my way and tripping me up with challenges that I wish could have been avoided. To continue to hope when I am feeling so uncertain about how I will make it from one obstacle to the next. To have the audacity, the boldness, the bravery, the courage to continue clawing through those obstacles to find the light on the other side of the darkness. That is what hope is all about. Even when it feels like all of my hope should be diminished, I seem to scrounge up more. Seriously, where does it keep coming from?

    What kind of English teacher would I be if I didn’t have at least one quote from a young adult dystopian novel, too? Even though I hate that these wise words come from the mouth of President Snow, he does make a fair point.

    Snow tells Seneca Crane in The Hunger Games, “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.”

    That is what I need to remember daily. Hope. It is such a small word, but it is capable of overcoming so much. Of pushing back fear. Of giving a person the strength to keep putting one foot in front of another. To seek help. To find creative solutions. To keep working towards the light at the end of the tunnel of the struggles until, hopefully, one day they can live the life they imagined. And by “they,” I mean me.

    So, how to wrap up? How about the end? How will I know when I am at the end of the troubles? Thanks to one of my favorite artists, I will know…

    Andy Grammar reminds me that

    “It’s just a chapter in your story
    Turn that page and grab that pen
    ‘Cause, darling, everything’ll be alright
    If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end
    Don’t you trust what they are saying
    All those voices in your head
    ‘Cause, darling, everything’ll be alright
    If it’s not alright, then it’s not the end
    Then it’s not the end”

    I feel like some chapters of my life I would have rather skipped or torn out of the book or perhaps would like the editor to cut it before the book goes to print, but I also suppose then, my life wouldn’t have made me who I am…a depressed, neurotic mess…I can’t say that I agree with people who say that we should be grateful for our struggles because they have made us stronger or that everything happens for a reason or this was my fate or my path. I just can’t believe in that. I won’t be grateful for some of the things that I have gone through. I refuse to believe that the abuses I suffered through in several different situations are something that happened for a reason. I would gladly have lived my life without experiencing them. I would gladly have found strength another way so that I wasn’t also having to fight through the damage that was done from those situations all these years later. I can’t be grateful for some of the poor decisions that I made in my past that have led me to some of the challenges that I am facing today. Sure, poor financial decisions when I was young did lead me to be able to cook Ramen 1,000 different ways and I can make many different sauces from takeout condiment packets, but these fabulous life skills aside, I would rather I had made much better decisions when I was younger. What I can be grateful for, however, is that I still have hope. Everything will eventually be alright. I hope. I will keep working towards that in every way that I can, but sometimes that work is so tiring and the weight is so heavy.

    So, instead, I garden. I place my hope in a tiny seed. I remove its obstacles. I prepare the soil with nutrients. I plant it carefully. I water it diligently. I remove any new obstacles that get in its way and threaten its ability to thrive. I protect it from harm as it is growing. I check on it daily and I hope for a harvest. Because that is what keeps me looking forward. Hope.

  • Post #16: 6/1/26

    Post #16: 6/1/26

    Cup Status: Empty, Not Even a Drop.

    So, it has been quite some time since I have posted. There were days when it ached not to write. There were other days when I was too exhausted to remember to write. Then there were days when I didn’t feel anything at all. When I think back on the last 6 months, I have been pretty absent from my own life. Trying to keep my head, and the heads of my four family members, above water will do that to a person. I have always been a nose-to-the-grindstone kind of person, but when we couldn’t pay our bills and couldn’t afford food for our children, things had to rapidly change. So, in October, I applied for a second job. This was after months of crunching the numbers and selling things and calling creditors and asking for an extension and trying to hide my growing panic from everyone who loves me. I know what some of you might be thinking. Wow, a second job. That isn’t that heroic. People do this all the time. True, and I am not negating that, but for me, this was, and continues to be, a very large sacrifice of time. I am an English teacher who teaches daily and who grades for hours. Yes, after 21 years, I have mastered the art of grading as quickly as possible, but when you have 150 students, assignments and essays still take time, and I mean HOURS of time FOR WHICH WE DO NOT GET PAID BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ENOUGH TIME IN THE CONTRACTED DAY TO GET IT ALL DONE IN THE EXPECTED TIMELY MANNER. So, I grade on my couch while holding my children. I grade in my bed while trying to stay awake. I take my grading to my second job and grade during my breaks. This has brought some camaraderie to my second job as I get many offers to help and jovial suggestions of what comments to leave. I just love that I am completing work for one job at my other place of work. Shrug and sigh, but this is because I get things done. To my own detriment at times.

    Well, back in October, I was hired to work at Walmart in my small town. I quickly learned that I would be working with many former students and several current students. What a strange place to be where some called me by my first name while others called Ms. T. Then people I didn’t know before working there called me Ms. T just because some of the teenagers did. It was kind of funny. I just started to respond to anything that sounded like it was aimed at me, as long as it wasn’t insulting. If it was, I yelled something equally fun back…just kidding…unless it was an adult whom I did not know in any educational way. I appreciated this job for many reasons. I didn’t have to be in charge of anything or anyone. I could just show up, work hard, and go home. What a novel concept. I could joke around with people and be a little bit more of myself, as long as the current students weren’t there…awkward…I could listen to audiobooks while working since I don’t work in a customer-facing position. I have finished 39 books this calendar year so far! But, as I worked 4-6 days a week, my body began to protest. Then my mind. I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t focus. Then, my emotions went crazy. I was angry and emotional and irrational and laughing and crying all in the same 15-minute span. Things were not working, but I was bringing in extra money that we so desperately needed. And, something unexpected happened during the first few months when I felt myself losing control of my life and my schedule. I was finding satisfaction in my Walmart job that I rarely (at least it feels like rarely) felt at my teaching job. A coworker would ask me how to do something and I would show them. Then they would do it correctly and tell me thanks! Then, they would be praised by the team lead for doing a good job that day or days or weeks later. I saw the immediate benefit of my teaching. In my classroom, I would often teach a student one-on-one and see them correctly understand and demonstrate that understanding of a concept to me and then get every response wrong on a formative assessment later that hour or the next class period. Barely any time had passed and they had already forgotten. What was the point? Why did I bother? (Now, this was not the case with every student, but you get the point). I would work hard during a 9-hour closing shift and at the end of the night, everything was done well. I knew that we had set the morning crew up for a successful opening shift. There was satisfaction in that. I knew that my work would benefit the next shift. But, at school, I can only hope that my students will remember what I teach them so that their teacher the next year will be set up for success as well. I can only hope…not know for sure. That is so disheartening.

    So, for months, Walmart took over my spare time. I barely saw my kids. I barely saw my spouse. My house fell apart. Forget meal planning. Forget getting my hair cut or painting my nails. Did I take a shower last night? I don’t remember; I was so tired that I was lucky I took out my contacts before falling asleep. When was the last time I saw my family and friends? I don’t know. Then came the worst moment. Despite all of the extra hours, it wasn’t enough. We were still drowning in debt and could not take out any more small loans from companies like Affirm. We were nearing Christmas and were worried. I sent a text that I didn’t want to send. Not because I was scared or worried she would say no, but because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I had failed so badly. I had failed at being a provider. At being a mom. At being a wife. At being the person she had raised. How had I let things get this bad? Of course, no one expects to have their spouse experience a catastrophic medical event that almost takes their life and leaves them saddled with thousands and thousands in medical debt and the fallout that comes with that, but why hadn’t I made smarter choices? I should have saved more. I shouldn’t have bought this or that. I shouldn’t have done this or that. My mind swam with all of my failures and all of the choices that I had made that had led to the text that I was about to send. So, I took a deep breath and just asked my mom if she could please lend us money to buy the kids some Christmas presents because we couldn’t afford it that year despite our best efforts. Her response was beautiful. I will have some money in your account tomorrow and it is a gift and not a loan. And she did. More than we needed. What I hadn’t said, but what she had to have known, was that we really needed money for other things too. Food. Utilities. Gas for our cars. I ugly cried because of the love and the relief and because I knew that for that brief time, I didn’t have to be my own safety net. There were other amazing people who helped us through the holidays as well. I am so blessed to have friends who stepped in and gifted my family with presents and financial assistance just because they love us and because they are some of the most amazing and selfless people I know. Just to show that when life is darkest, the universe can send a surprise, my dad visited us one day after the holidays and surprised us with some vintage finds and with a check that he had no idea how much we needed. The day he gave it to us, we had $2 in the bank and needed to buy groceries and put gas in the car, and yes, Dad, we also put it towards a medical bill. Lol!

    I am amazed at how things sometimes work out and I am so grateful for those who think of us. I really hope that one day we will be in a position where we can help others like they have helped us. What I worry about is that we will never get there. It has been 6 months and we are still working from paycheck to paycheck. I am plugging away at Walmart and working this summer on completing some graduate classes so that I can move up the pay scale at school. While this blog is about me, Jamie has also been voice-tracking for different radio stations, some in this state, some out of state, and one in Canada. Shout out! If anyone out there needs an awesome voice-tracker with 27 years of radio experience in a variety of markets and musical genres who has a ridiculous amount of musical trivia at the ready, have I got a guy for you! Some days he completes three different morning shows before I even wake up. But, despite both of us working two jobs and bringing in what we can, we are no closer to moving past surviving. It is so frustrating, so I think I just have to use this place to write about that. To get it out. I have this sign in my room that says, “Live the Life You Imagined.” Well, the life I imagined, had no crazy amounts of debt, did not involve worrying about having enough food for the week, did not include not being able to afford shoes when my kids outgrow them, did not have me convincing my sons that long hair looks good on them because we can’t afford haircuts, did not involve me being angry and depressed all the time, and definitely didn’t have me looking up jobs other than teaching that teachers can do because I just don’t know if I can last another 9 years until retirement. It involves not being so tired that I don’t have the energy to play with my kids. It involves living beyond the lowest levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. There is no way a person can thrive when they are trying to survive every day. Sure, we have a nice home, but we are one bad illness from losing it. Sure we have internet and streaming services, but we are one missed check from losing those, same with the cell phones, same with the electric service and the water bill and the trash service. We own our cars and are hoping that we can make them last as long as possible. Come on 2016 and 2019! You can do it!

    We are rich in the ways that matter. We have amazing families and friends. Truly. There are no words to express how much we love our people. We are working for our health after a rough two years. All tests have been coming back with positive and improved results. We have healthy children who keep us active. We have jobs, even when they frustrate the crap out of us. At those jobs, we have amazing coworkers who put up with us and keep things interesting. And, my one time-consuming hobby, my summer garden, is looking promising. Here’s hoping that some cheap seeds will indeed produce a large harvest. Maybe all of this toil and trouble will have a large harvest too and maybe it will be a positive one, but for now, my cup is empty because I am too tired to go fill it up.

  • Post #15: 10/7/25

    Post #15: 10/7/25

    Cup Status: Half Empty and Half Full

    I am at crossroads in many ways in my life this week. I am finishing up season 21 of Grey’s Anatomy after a marathon binge of the show that I started in June of this year. It has been a journey for sure. The 22nd season begins on the 9th and I am trying to finish season 21 in time for the start. So, while I am excited to be at the end of this massive journey, I am also sad that it is coming to an end. I have to wait for the end of the season to find out if there will be another one or if the long running show will come to an end. I sure hope it won’t. Even though I have seen a bit of a pattern in these episodes after watching so many of them, I still look forward to my nightly episode or two. So, as I wrap up this crazy, epic binge, here is what I have noticed about this show that I have spent so much time with:

    1. If you live in Seattle, something terrible will happen to you, eventually. It is inevitable.
    2. If you work for Seattle Grace/Grey-Sloan, you or someone you love will eventually end up in a life or death situation.
    3. At least once a season, someone’s job will be threatened due to some kind of illegal activity (Whether that activity was accidental or on purpose).
    4. If you are driving in a car you will probably get in a car accident. If you are driving in a car with another person you will get in a car accident and it will be terrible.
    5. If you take a day off to go have fun or relax, you will end up riding in an ambulance and back at the ER because you were on the scene of something grisly.
    6. Everyone will eventually kiss or sleep with everyone else. It will cause problems, but they will eventually get over it.
    7. Characters will be injured in many ways. Most of them terrible. Most of them catastrophic. Yet, somehow, many of them will survive.
    8. Characters you love will leave the show and it will suck. Many of them will be killed off so that they can’t come back, but that doesn’t mean they won’t make cameos because, see number 7.
    9. Hunt and Altman will never stop having issues. Ever. I am certain of this.
    10. If someone sneezes or coughs, blood will come out of their mouth or nose and then their condition will escalate very quickly.
    11. People will have feelings for each other or love each other, but they won’t say anything for days, weeks, months, seasons. Then, even after they do, the relationship will be rocky and will have so many ups and downs.
    12. I know that I will hear the terms: anastomosis, tachycardic, friable, intubation, central line, epinephrine, pneumothorax, whipple, etc. at least a million times an episode.
    13. I know that I will cry at least once every three or four episodes and it won’t be pretty.

    I know that there are more common occurrences that I will remember later when I am living my life, but these are the standouts for now. But, I will say this, no matter how many times I see repeated patterns or elements that seem a bit too familiar, I just smile because there is something comforting in the familiarity. These tropes do help to keep the world of Grey’s feeling familiar while so many of the characters have changed from season one to season 21. I am looking for to season 22 beginning on October 9th. But, the next decision I need to make is, what show will become the subject of my next binge? I am not sure yet. That is the beauty of the end of something–the beauty of choice and what comes next.

  • Post #14: 9/16/25

    Post #14: 9/16/25

    Cup Status: Empty

    I am a teacher and I am tired. Yes, the early mornings make me more tired than I was in the summer. Yes, fielding student questions and meeting individual needs all while staying on pace and keeping a smile on my face takes lots and lots of energy. Yes, grading pile after pile of paper and digital assignments takes lots of energy. Yes, even making matching outfits that are ironed and presentable takes a ridiculous amount of energy. The energy needed takes different forms: mental, emotional, physical, but I always manage to have enough for my students, my coworkers, my tasks, and sometimes myself.

    What I don’t have enough energy for are the attitudes in society that are aimed at teachers. It is exhausting reading headlines that say “Teacher Fired for Posting…” and “First Amendment Rights and Teachers…” and social media comments that say, “Teachers deserve to be fired if they say…” and “Teachers are supposed to be role models and shouldn’t…” and “Parents stalk their kids’ teachers online and can see…”. And the focus on teachers activities outside of the classroom, “Teacher seen drinking at…” and “Teacher seen Partially Clothed…” (when it was a bathing suit photo on the beach) and so many, many others. I am just so tired of seeing these headlines and comments and posts that focus on what teachers should and shouldn’t do. Who teachers should and shouldn’t be. It is so frustrating.

    Teaching is a profession. It is a career. It is a job. It is not a lifestyle. It is not who a person is. It is not where a person begins and ends. Yes, as a teacher, I love my career, at least most days. What I don’t love is society telling me what I can and can’t do and what I can and can’t say just because of my profession. And, recently, society has really been pushing what it believes teachers should and should not believe as well. But, I just can’t buy into this. Teachers are people with the same rights as others. If what they say and do outside of the classroom does not impact their ability to teach inside the classroom, then, as long as the actions and words are not illegal, it should not matter. Society needs to stop holding teachers to a higher standard than they do other people. Let’s just let people live and be who they are. We do not all have to agree. We can have different ideals and beliefs and religious preferences and political views and it is ok. That is what makes us individuals. We can chose to accept others the way they are and leave them alone because they aren’t who or what we want them to be. We can accept that people are one version of themselves (the professional version, perhaps) at work and another version of themselves (the personal version, perhaps) outside of work. And the beautiful thing is, that is ok.

    Teachers are not the fix-all for society and we are not the downfall either, but constantly standing up for my profession takes energy and it is exhausting. So, I am tired. Tired of being a teacher who is also a person who is worried about her future. Tired that, if I say or post the “wrong thing” or what someone perceives as the “wrong thing” that I can lose my job. So, right now, my cup is pretty empty and I am needing a little hope that society will change its attitudes towards teachers so that I can rest a little easier.

  • Post #13: 9/4/25

    Post #13: 9/4/25

    Cup Status: Filling Up, It Starts and Stops

    I love music. Music charms my soul. It fills me up. The words speak to me. There are many songs that have been the song of the moment for me across the years. Right now, the song that is my anthem of sorts is “Monster” by Andy Grammer. When this song starts playing, I turn up the volume and I sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, or at least as loud as the time and place allows. My car is the best place to sing this song. Especially when I am driving down the highway. Something about the faster speed makes singing this song even more epic.

    The first stanza:

    “I been feeling numb, I been feeling stressed
    Putting in that work with my therapist
    And I’ve been letting go of some gnarly shit
    That’s been holding me back, back, back”

    This first section speaks to me because I have felt numb (for quite some time “Numb Little Bug” was my jam). It was easier to ignore my feelings than to deal with them and so I chose numbness. I have felt stressed and have tried, and am continuing to try, methods to deal with that stress. Yoga. Journaling. Deep breathing. Walking. And eventually therapy that has continued for several years. I have most definitely let go of tons and tons of gnarly shit. I have put in hours of work. Shed buckets of tears. Repeated many mantras. Reframed many thoughts. My therapist is definitely on the list of people I am most grateful for. I still have more work to do, but I’m tired of holding myself back.

    Chorus:

    “‘Cause there’s a calling, there’s a spirit
    And I’m trying to hear it
    Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
    Ooh, more, more, more
    And there’s a whisper, there’s a power
    I can hear it getting louder
    Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
    Ooh, more, more, more
    There’s a monster in me who shut down, went to sleep
    And forgot who he really was
    But he’s waking up”

    The thing is, I love my family. I love my life. Sure, I have general frustrations and things that I would change if I could (here’s looking at you kitchen cabinets that are missing doors because the previous owners thought that was a good look…). I wish that we made more money so that we could travel more. I wish I could maintain my motivation to work out, eat healthier, and ultimately lose weight and keep it off, but that is an ongoing battle. I have been on a journey of self-discovery of sorts and I know that I am made for more, more, more. What that more is, I am just not too sure. I know that I want to be a published author. I have three books in various states of completion. I want to travel as many places as possible. And, I want something more, but I have no idea what that is. I have been trying to figure that out, but it feels like it is just around the corner or over the horizon and I can’t figure it out. I do feel like the “monster” of my youth fell asleep the further I have gone into adulthood, but being in my 40’s has stoked the fire of my journey to self-rediscovery. Who am I now? What do I want? Where do I fit in this life I have built? How do I stay me while also wearing the wife hat? The mom hat? The friend hat? The teacher hat? The adult hat? The sibling hat? The daughter and daughter in law hat? All of the hats.

    The Second Stanza:

    “I’m sick of having no pulse, no life, no soul
    A flat line on my vitals
    I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that
    I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that”

    I’ve spent the last few months feeling numb. It was easier than facing my overwhelming feelings. I would stare into the void or lose myself in TV or sleep late because waking up was too difficult. I had a pulse. I was alive, but I didn’t always feel like it. I have crawled out of the darkest places I found myself in this summer, but now I want to really live. I want to enjoy life. I want to thrive. But I am so tired. It is so hard to find the energy to do the things I want to do that will lead me to this life that is more alive. I want to change, but how do I do that?

    The Third Stanza:

    “Oh, oh, oh
    Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    Oh, oh, oh
    Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    Feel like I’m rising and shining (oh, oh, oh)
    Rubbing my eyes and I’m finding (oh, oh)
    My way up outta here (hey, hey, hey, hey)
    I’ve been asleep for a minute (oh, oh, oh)
    But my visions are beginning (oh, oh)
    To finally reappear (hey, hey, hey, hey)”

    I do feel like this is the stanza that I am working towards. I am beginning to rise and shine. I am rubbing my eyes and I have been asleep for some time. I am starting to reappear, but I am not there yet. I look forward to the, hopefully, near future when the “Monster” inside is fully awake and is fully realized and is living the life she always imagined. Maybe she just needs an energy drink first…

  • Post #12: 9/4/25

    Post #12: 9/4/25

    Cup Status: Full, but There is a Hole in the Bottom and I Keep Adding Water

    I’ve been thinking lately about stretching. Stretching my muscles to release tension, stretching time to accomplish as much as I can, stretching my patience so I don’t blow up at the people around me, stretching a dollar as far as it can go. Stretching, stretching, stretching. I feel like there are days when I have stretched as far as I can and there are other days when I know that if I just take a deep breath and then exhale while stretching, I will be able to move further than I did before. If I just organize my to-do list better, I can make time work for me. If I just take more time for me, I can manifest more patience. If I just save every penny, I will stretch the money that I have. The problem is, life doesn’t always work like that. Breathing in and exhaling does not always equal further stretching of the muscles. No amount of organizing to-do lists can actually create more time. Me time might increase patience in the short term, but it does not always increase patience in the long term. A person can save every penny that they ever make and then life can kick them when they least expect it and then there goes the savings or the plans for the future and the money won’t stretch like it used to.

    But, whether or not the stretching works the way we hope, life will challenge us. Our muscles will remain stiff and sore. Our relationships will suffer. Our time will diminish. Our dollars will shrink instead of stretch. That is why there is a hole in the bottom of the cup, but I keep pouring the water in the top of the cup because I can’t give up. I will push forward. There will be times when the muscles do stretch. There will be times when the patience does increase. There will be times when there appears to magically be more time. There will be times when there are sales that help save money.

    So, stretch, stretch, stretch. Pour, pour, pour. Eventually, the cup will overflow with all of the beautiful things that have been poured into it.

  • Post #11: 8/15/25

    Post #11: 8/15/25

    Cup Status: On Its Side and Spilling All Over the Counter

    Teacher tired. There is no other tired like it, except maybe new mom tired, but that is something else entirely. Lol! This week has been the back to school week for teachers at my school and I have been able to get quite a bit accomplished. It has been nice to see my colleagues again. It has been nice to be back in my classroom again. It has been nice to be back in my element. The place where I feel like I know what I am doing. Where I can choose how I want things to go and how I am going to help my students accomplish the goals that I set for them. This is where I look at evidence based practices and effect sizes and differentiated instruction and collaborative learning versus direct/explicit instruction. This is where I speak the language of teaching with all of the alphabet soup with others who are fluent in the language as well. CSIP and MSIP and BSIP and MOI and EOC and JPS and MLS and all of the others. I have already consumed more coffee in one week than I have all summer. I have enjoyed many pastries and cookies that were thoughtfully given to the school for us to enjoy. So good!

    I am doing my best to go to sleep earlier, but it is so difficult to do. All I want to do is stay up late and continue my binge watch of Grey’s Anatomy. My body betrays me, though, and I feel like a zombie when I get home no matter how much I want to watch just one more episode. This back to school season is kicking my butt. I hope that as I get into the rhythm of the school year that my energy level can even out. I would like for my body energy to match my mental energy for the beginning of the school year. The problem is, I don’t have the energy to do the things that need to be done to help raise my energy level. I know what to do, but I do not have the drive to do it. Meal prep healthy meals. Work out. Go to bed earlier. Do not doom scroll on my phone. Reduce the amount of caffeine that I consume. Etc. That’s the thing about being an adult. In my work life, I am able to make decisions that help things to run smoothly, but in my personal life, it seems like I am unable to find the ability to function fully. I cannot find my element here. I pride myself on being so organized and a planner and all of that, but those skills shine at work and not so much at home. I feel a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. At work, I am a superhero of getting things done. At home, I struggle to get off the couch. I am an extroverted introvert at work. At home, I am a full on exhausted introvert.

    At work today, we listened to a motivational speaker talking about the importance of being “All In” in life and at work. We received a memento, a token, with the words printed on it. He suggested that we decide where we wanted to keep the token as a reminder of where we needed to be “All In”. I sat in the gym, listening, and realized that I am already “All In” at work. I give so much to my students and my work because that is where I currently find so much of my validation and get so many of my needs met. What I realized was, I am not “All In” at home. It isn’t because I don’t want to be. It isn’t because I don’t care. I love my family. I love my home. I love myself. But I am starting to think that energy is finite. I don’t like that one bit. Because if that is true, then I have to really make sure that I am not giving too much energy at work to the detriment of my home and the ones I love. My crazy grandmother once told me that she only had enough love for me and not my two siblings because she only had so much love to give and she had already given the majority of her love to her dogs and cats. This concept perplexed me so much. How can love be finite? That’s ridiculous. However, energy is finite and I need to find a way to generate more of it or at least to parse it out differently. More learning for me. You would think that life would not be this difficult to figure out, but it is. So, I think that I need to be “All In” to figure out how to to be “All In”. This wears me out just thinking about it. How does a person be “All In” in every part of their lives? I want to be, I just don’t know how.

  • Post #10: 8/7/25

    Post #10: 8/7/25

    Cup Status: Filling Up, But Confused About Why

    So, I’ve really been thinking lately about why I feel more comfortable and like myself when I am busy and have deadlines and am, for lack of a better word, stressed. Why is it that I seem to thrive on stress? Why is my baseline for normal filled with a racing heart, shallow breathing, a pounding headache, and reminders to just breathe? The closer I get to the start of school, the closer I get to all of the deadlines, the more alive I feel. This just feels weird. I was in a therapy session recently and my therapist gave me a deck of cards that had different words that represent needs on them such as “valued” and “loved” and “respected” and others such as “creative” and “financial security”. He asked me to organize them however I wanted to in order to categorize them to show where those needs are currently being met, at least according to me. I decided on three categories: family/home, friends, and work. I started putting cards in piles and it soon became apparent that I have most of my needs met at work. When I looked closer at the needs that are being met at work, I realized that many of them could, and probably should, be met in different ways in my personal life, if only I let them. But then, I hear my therapist saying, don’t should all over your life. So instead, I will say, that I will be finding other ways to meet the needs that work is currently the only place that is meeting them. For example, “creativity.” I used to love scrapbooking, but I haven’t done it in 15 years despite having all of the supplies to enjoy the hobby. “Growth” is another need that gets met at work, but at home, I am not sure where I can grow at home. I am looking for ways to do this, besides literally growing food in my garden. The problem is, shifting my mindset and trying to live this different way seems impossible. I don’t even know where to start or how to do this. So, I do what I do best and I start researching. As a starting point, here is what I have found so far thanks to the article “CALM IS A CHOICE – STRESS IS A CHOICE”(https://martawilson.com/calm-is-a-choice/), “The brain chemicals that generate enthusiasm for a challenge are different from those that generate fear of a threat. And in many cases, whether we experience enthusiasm or fear is a matter of choice. We can choose attitudes that challenge, motivate and mobilize us, and that bring out the best in us. In other words, we can circumvent the fight or flight impulse by choosing to feel neither. How? By changing how we think.” It’s that idea of choosing how to think that confuses me. We can choose a new attitude. But, sometimes when we are in the middle of the stressful situation or the challenge facing us is so daunting, that can seem impossible. It is, however, something that I am going to actively try because I hope to get to where this next portion describes, “Eventually, we learn how to choose so our bodies don’t click into a fight or flight response at all. When we take responsibility for our assumptions, we begin to break the cycle of stress and become free to face seeming threats with energy and enthusiasm. What’s required is a conscious mental shift in how we view our world. What’s required is a change in attitude.” Not everything requires fight or flight. I need to remember that. A challenge can be exciting. It doesn’t have to soul crushing or migraine inducing, right? This will definitely be an uphill climb, but I am going to try to begin it with a positive attitude.

  • Post #9: 8/4/25

    Post #9: 8/4/25

    Cup Status: It’s Complicated

    As the summer winds down and the days pass faster and faster, I see the beginning of another school year looming closer and closer. It isn’t that I am not excited for another year. It isn’t that I don’t want to meet my new students. It is just that this summer has been so weird for me and I am finally getting to a point where I am feeling like myself. You see, most teachers will tell you that it takes weeks before they can fully relax. The “I should be grading or planning something” reflex doesn’t just turn off like flipping a switch when I left the building for the summer. Then, we were still getting settled into our house, so I spent time working on that. Unpacking the last of the boxes and working on the yard in between crazy rainfalls. I wanted to take the kids to fun places and have a staycation of sorts, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself to follow through on any of the ideas that I came up with. I couldn’t seem to muster the energy. When we did go somewhere, I found myself having a panic attack or feeling so overwhelmed that I couldn’t enjoy myself. I am not sure if it was suppressed emotions surfacing from March and all that happened when my husband nearly died or if it was just the stresses of the school year winding down and surfacing. I don’t know if it was just the general struggles of life. I don’t know if it was all of it combined. But, this summer has felt like me walking through a fog and not being able to enjoy myself. But, now that my days of “freedom” are almost over, I am finally finding a way to enjoy the little things. Walking in my neighborhood, the beautiful weather, yoga, grilling, writing these blog entries, finding a treasure in a thrift shop. It seems like, I don’t feel fully present until I have no time left. It is a procrastination of joy. It is as if I can’t enjoy life unless there is some kind of timeline telling me when. I don’t know if I even know how to live my life without stress and deadlines in it. It is almost as if the lack of them, takes away part of my joy and that seems so wrong and backwards. I am less productive when I have more time even though accomplishing tasks usually brings me joy, the joy of a job well done. I am less energetic when I am getting more sleep and I find it near impossible to wake up early, even with setting multiple alarms. I find that I eat less healthy when I have all the time to devote to healthy eating. The same goes for physical activity. I love to walk and hike and do yoga, but this summer, I could barely make myself take a step outside. When school is in session, I find that I eat healthier because I meal prep and snack prep and can only eat what I bring with me to work or have ready. I walk after school at the park on the days when I don’t have meetings. I get up early on Saturday and hike at the park when I am able to. I have less time, so I get projects done on the weekends or at night in between making dinner or getting outfits ready for the next day, etc. I may be tired from getting up early and working all day and then being a mom when I get home, but I sleep well and feel pretty energetic. The funny thing is, I have the highest levels of stress and busyness of the full year, yet I feel the most alive and the most accomplished and dare I say…the happiest. There clearly must be something wrong with me if I feel happiest when I am at my least relaxed, right? When I am relaxed, I feel lost and confused. I don’t even recognize myself in the summer, but I do wonder if maybe she is the side of me who I need to discover more. Who is this relaxed person? How can I be more comfortable in her skin? How can I feel more alive when I am her? My goals going into this school year, for myself, are to deep breathe, continue yoga, continue these blog posts, get quality sleep, and make sure that I am taking time to relax whenever possible. I want to do my best to embrace relaxation. To be as low stress as possible. Daily would be the dream. On my laptop, I have a sticker that says, “If not now, when?” That is going to be my mantra, spoken kindly to myself and with minimal pressure. But for now, I am entering the home stretch. The phase I call “school nesting” where I finish as many projects as I can and meal prep as much as I can and wash all of the clothes and linens that I can and basically make sure that my home is in as much order as it can be before the crazy time starts. On the school side, I am prepared. I am always prepared for that, but it is so much harder to prepare your home and family for the inevitable transition back to school. But, ready or not, here it comes.

    *The photo is my classroom on the first day back this summer before school starts. Before any of the boxes are unpacked or any of the drawers in my desk are refilled with supplies.

  • Post #8: 8/2/25

    Post #8: 8/2/25

    Cup Status: Full

    The weather today was absolutely beautiful after weeks and weeks of hellfire hot days. It was so lovely that I couldn’t help but be outside. I spent time working in the garden and harvested a zucchini, two jalapenos, and two cucumbers. I re-staked my tomato plants that had outgrown their original stakes. I I pulled some weeds and enjoyed the beauty of all of the growth that was happening. I breathed in the fresh air and listened to the sounds of birds chirping and man, it felt so good. Since the weather was so great, it felt like the perfect time to barbecue. We have only grilled a few times this summer because it has been so stinking hot, but today just felt like it was grilling time! So, I defrosted pork steaks (a staple of the Midwest), brats, and I marinated chicken in three different marinades. I figured, if the grill is hot, let’s just meal prep at the same time. Pork steaks and brats tonight and chicken ready for the rest of the week. I piled in the charcoal and got it going and played the waiting game. While I waited for the charcoal to reach the perfect stage, I went inside and made yellow squash casserole (the squash was from my garden). The coals were ready so I put the pork steaks and brats on and heard the delicious sizzle as the meat hit the hot grill. The aroma of grilling meat and charcoal wafted through the air and I was transported to a different time and place.

    My grandparents house on the fourth of July. Every summer when I was a kid we went to their house. The huge barrel grill was lit and my uncles manned the grill for hours cooking for our huge family. We always had pork steaks, brats, hotdogs, and hamburgers. The smell of grilling meat is such a core memory for me that it always takes me back to that time as a kid. I remember the pans of cooked meat being transported from the grill to the warming dishes in the garage turned dining room. Two for grilled meat with barbecue sauce (always Mauls with onion bits) and two for grilled meat without sauce. The flavor of my childhood is Mauls with onion bits. Until I was buying my own groceries, I didn’t even know there were other kinds of barbecue sauces available in the world. Lol! The rest of the room was filled with bowls laden with potato salad, seven layer salad, pasta salad, marinated broccoli, baked beans, tapioca Jell-o salad, and platters brimming with deviled eggs, pickles/olives/peppers, and other delicious things to eat. There were bags and bags of chips and coolers full of cans of Vess soda in every flavor available (peach and red cream were my two favorites). Then, there was the dessert table. Oh, the dessert table. There was always gooey butter cake, strawberry Jell-o poke cake, fruit salad, cookies of every kind, and a freezer full of ice pops in every color. There was also a huge tub of vanilla ice cream to turn any of those amazing Vess sodas into a float. Mmmm…peach vanilla float. Oh, to be a kid again! But, back to the present.

    While the pork steaks and brats cooked, I made a cucumber and tomato salad with a cucumber from my garden. It was so fresh. I just find it so awesome that I can walk out in my yard and over to my garden and pick something fresh for dinner. It is so beautiful! Just this act alone also transports me to another place and time. Again, back to my grandparents house.

    I don’t remember what age I am, but I do remember my grandma in her garden. She has a bandana around her forehead to soak up the sweat (I come from a family whose bodies have over active coolers built in) and is in her garden. She has peppers and tomatoes, and cucumbers planted. She is laughing about the volunteer watermelon that has sprouted. It somehow grew from the compost that she had put on the garden to help make it more fertile. Grandma’s garden was always a great producer. She canned what she grew (her jalapenos were so good) and made her own ketchup. She also made her own jams and jellies. Every time that I am in my garden, I am reminded of her. Every time that I harvest vegetables that I have grown and use them to feed my family, I am reminded of her. But, again, back to the present.

    The pork steaks and brats are finished and now it is time to cook all of the chicken for my meal prep. I have Greek chicken, teriyaki chicken, and spicy chicken cooking on the grill. Enough for four dinners plus leftovers for lunches. Go me! The smell is so enticing, but I am really hungry now and I just wish that the chicken would cook so that I can eat the rest of the meal that I have warming in the oven. Too much of a good thing, I guess, but at least I have more time outside in the absolutely glorious weather. The chicken is finally finished, I take it inside, I call the family to the kitchen where we all make our plates. We take them outside and sit at our patio table to eat. We enjoy the good food and the laughter of our children. My daughter tells me to try to say “toy boat” five times fast and I fail as she laughs at me. She then makes fart noises on her arm and laughs out loud. My son laughs at her and calls her gross which causes her to do it again. My husband tells me about his latest vinyl acquisition and I tell him about the girls trip that my friends and I are planning. The sky is starting to turn orange and pink behind me and the breeze blows lightly through the trees. Our kiddos finish eating first and decide to unroll the hose and spray each other with it. We watch them and laugh and for a few minutes, I feel like a kid again. And it is beautiful!