Post #9: 8/4/25

Cup Status: It’s Complicated

As the summer winds down and the days pass faster and faster, I see the beginning of another school year looming closer and closer. It isn’t that I am not excited for another year. It isn’t that I don’t want to meet my new students. It is just that this summer has been so weird for me and I am finally getting to a point where I am feeling like myself. You see, most teachers will tell you that it takes weeks before they can fully relax. The “I should be grading or planning something” reflex doesn’t just turn off like flipping a switch when I left the building for the summer. Then, we were still getting settled into our house, so I spent time working on that. Unpacking the last of the boxes and working on the yard in between crazy rainfalls. I wanted to take the kids to fun places and have a staycation of sorts, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself to follow through on any of the ideas that I came up with. I couldn’t seem to muster the energy. When we did go somewhere, I found myself having a panic attack or feeling so overwhelmed that I couldn’t enjoy myself. I am not sure if it was suppressed emotions surfacing from March and all that happened when my husband nearly died or if it was just the stresses of the school year winding down and surfacing. I don’t know if it was just the general struggles of life. I don’t know if it was all of it combined. But, this summer has felt like me walking through a fog and not being able to enjoy myself. But, now that my days of “freedom” are almost over, I am finally finding a way to enjoy the little things. Walking in my neighborhood, the beautiful weather, yoga, grilling, writing these blog entries, finding a treasure in a thrift shop. It seems like, I don’t feel fully present until I have no time left. It is a procrastination of joy. It is as if I can’t enjoy life unless there is some kind of timeline telling me when. I don’t know if I even know how to live my life without stress and deadlines in it. It is almost as if the lack of them, takes away part of my joy and that seems so wrong and backwards. I am less productive when I have more time even though accomplishing tasks usually brings me joy, the joy of a job well done. I am less energetic when I am getting more sleep and I find it near impossible to wake up early, even with setting multiple alarms. I find that I eat less healthy when I have all the time to devote to healthy eating. The same goes for physical activity. I love to walk and hike and do yoga, but this summer, I could barely make myself take a step outside. When school is in session, I find that I eat healthier because I meal prep and snack prep and can only eat what I bring with me to work or have ready. I walk after school at the park on the days when I don’t have meetings. I get up early on Saturday and hike at the park when I am able to. I have less time, so I get projects done on the weekends or at night in between making dinner or getting outfits ready for the next day, etc. I may be tired from getting up early and working all day and then being a mom when I get home, but I sleep well and feel pretty energetic. The funny thing is, I have the highest levels of stress and busyness of the full year, yet I feel the most alive and the most accomplished and dare I say…the happiest. There clearly must be something wrong with me if I feel happiest when I am at my least relaxed, right? When I am relaxed, I feel lost and confused. I don’t even recognize myself in the summer, but I do wonder if maybe she is the side of me who I need to discover more. Who is this relaxed person? How can I be more comfortable in her skin? How can I feel more alive when I am her? My goals going into this school year, for myself, are to deep breathe, continue yoga, continue these blog posts, get quality sleep, and make sure that I am taking time to relax whenever possible. I want to do my best to embrace relaxation. To be as low stress as possible. Daily would be the dream. On my laptop, I have a sticker that says, “If not now, when?” That is going to be my mantra, spoken kindly to myself and with minimal pressure. But for now, I am entering the home stretch. The phase I call “school nesting” where I finish as many projects as I can and meal prep as much as I can and wash all of the clothes and linens that I can and basically make sure that my home is in as much order as it can be before the crazy time starts. On the school side, I am prepared. I am always prepared for that, but it is so much harder to prepare your home and family for the inevitable transition back to school. But, ready or not, here it comes.

*The photo is my classroom on the first day back this summer before school starts. Before any of the boxes are unpacked or any of the drawers in my desk are refilled with supplies.