Cup Status: Filling Up, It Starts and Stops
I love music. Music charms my soul. It fills me up. The words speak to me. There are many songs that have been the song of the moment for me across the years. Right now, the song that is my anthem of sorts is “Monster” by Andy Grammer. When this song starts playing, I turn up the volume and I sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs, or at least as loud as the time and place allows. My car is the best place to sing this song. Especially when I am driving down the highway. Something about the faster speed makes singing this song even more epic.
The first stanza:
“I been feeling numb, I been feeling stressed
Putting in that work with my therapist
And I’ve been letting go of some gnarly shit
That’s been holding me back, back, back”
This first section speaks to me because I have felt numb (for quite some time “Numb Little Bug” was my jam). It was easier to ignore my feelings than to deal with them and so I chose numbness. I have felt stressed and have tried, and am continuing to try, methods to deal with that stress. Yoga. Journaling. Deep breathing. Walking. And eventually therapy that has continued for several years. I have most definitely let go of tons and tons of gnarly shit. I have put in hours of work. Shed buckets of tears. Repeated many mantras. Reframed many thoughts. My therapist is definitely on the list of people I am most grateful for. I still have more work to do, but I’m tired of holding myself back.
Chorus:
“‘Cause there’s a calling, there’s a spirit
And I’m trying to hear it
Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
Ooh, more, more, more
And there’s a whisper, there’s a power
I can hear it getting louder
Singing, “You were made for more, more, more”
Ooh, more, more, more
There’s a monster in me who shut down, went to sleep
And forgot who he really was
But he’s waking up”
The thing is, I love my family. I love my life. Sure, I have general frustrations and things that I would change if I could (here’s looking at you kitchen cabinets that are missing doors because the previous owners thought that was a good look…). I wish that we made more money so that we could travel more. I wish I could maintain my motivation to work out, eat healthier, and ultimately lose weight and keep it off, but that is an ongoing battle. I have been on a journey of self-discovery of sorts and I know that I am made for more, more, more. What that more is, I am just not too sure. I know that I want to be a published author. I have three books in various states of completion. I want to travel as many places as possible. And, I want something more, but I have no idea what that is. I have been trying to figure that out, but it feels like it is just around the corner or over the horizon and I can’t figure it out. I do feel like the “monster” of my youth fell asleep the further I have gone into adulthood, but being in my 40’s has stoked the fire of my journey to self-rediscovery. Who am I now? What do I want? Where do I fit in this life I have built? How do I stay me while also wearing the wife hat? The mom hat? The friend hat? The teacher hat? The adult hat? The sibling hat? The daughter and daughter in law hat? All of the hats.
The Second Stanza:
“I’m sick of having no pulse, no life, no soul
A flat line on my vitals
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that
I don’t wanna live, I don’t wanna live like that”
I’ve spent the last few months feeling numb. It was easier than facing my overwhelming feelings. I would stare into the void or lose myself in TV or sleep late because waking up was too difficult. I had a pulse. I was alive, but I didn’t always feel like it. I have crawled out of the darkest places I found myself in this summer, but now I want to really live. I want to enjoy life. I want to thrive. But I am so tired. It is so hard to find the energy to do the things I want to do that will lead me to this life that is more alive. I want to change, but how do I do that?
The Third Stanza:
“Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh (hey, hey, hey, hey)
Feel like I’m rising and shining (oh, oh, oh)
Rubbing my eyes and I’m finding (oh, oh)
My way up outta here (hey, hey, hey, hey)
I’ve been asleep for a minute (oh, oh, oh)
But my visions are beginning (oh, oh)
To finally reappear (hey, hey, hey, hey)”
I do feel like this is the stanza that I am working towards. I am beginning to rise and shine. I am rubbing my eyes and I have been asleep for some time. I am starting to reappear, but I am not there yet. I look forward to the, hopefully, near future when the “Monster” inside is fully awake and is fully realized and is living the life she always imagined. Maybe she just needs an energy drink first…
The Cup 